Painful Love

The Cut That Always Bleeds

Alec thought of slamming the door shut, but he didn't want the kids to hear that, so he didn't.

He felt his hands shake like they hadn't in months. He locked the door. Alec opened the cabinet where his medication was. He was about to swallow two of his pills when his eyes caught sight of the sharp scissors they kept there for bandaging wounds. He cursed under his breath. His eyes down at his hand, the two blue pills there.

No, no, no... He didn't do that anymore. He couldn't relapse, especially not now that he had two kids and they were home. Magnus was still at work. Max and Rafael were in the living room, where Alec had been just a couple of minutes ago.

He couldn't go back now. Not like that, considering how much he was feeling a big mental crisis approaching. He looked at the scissors and let out a sob.

He hadn't harmed himself in so long, probably over two years and a half ago, or perhaps even more. He had to stay strong, for Magnus and the kids. He was spiraling down into his obsessive, self-loathing loop.

He hadn't gone through something like this for months, taking care of his family, living day a day. He had been well today too; until Isabelle's call. Her call had made Alec's entire world crumble like a castle made of cards being blown away by the wind.

Robert was back in his life. He wasn't dead, he wasn't in prison. He was alive; and on the news.

Alec's father had beaten a woman to death in his apartment and had put her inside a trash bag, keeping her for too long until the neighbors complained to the police about the smell. He hadn't been arrested, because he had fled.

Nobody knew where he was at the moment.

Alec threw the pills away and grabbed the scissors. He needed it. He needed it. He really needed it. He needed to slide the scissor blades on his skin until it was all bloody and stinging. He needed the pain, the validation, the comfort of his wounds and his blood. His scars.

They would never fade completely and, yet, he wanted, he needed, to have more.

Alec was hurting himself before he knew it. He quickly slid the scissors blade horizontally, immediately drawing blood. In just a second, he realized what he was doing and threw away the scissors.

He hit the wall with his fist and repressed the angry yell about to come out of his throat. He couldn't let his children hear that. Max and Rafael needed him calm and stable. He simply needed to fix what he had just done.

He stared down at his bloody forearm. He had done it again. He had relapsed. He had cut himself after having quit that, over two years and a half of being clean thrown away.

Holding back tears, he wrapped up his arm with a bandage once he had cleaned his wound. He was a bit in shock, mentally stuck in the moment Isabelle had called him, to ask him if he had seen what was being reported on the news.

He had, of course, not seen the news because he never did. They were depressing and Alec didn't need more reasons to be depressed. He had turned on the TV, just to find a photo of his father on the screen and his name everywhere.

He hadn't seen his father ever since he had run away from him. Seeing him without a warning had triggered him; badly.

Alec had turned off the TV fast and told the kids to go to the table and draw something for Magnus while he was going to take a shower. He wouldn't take a shower, he had simply needed some space for himself.

He broke down into sobs.

Robert was a runaway now. Alec had always relied on the fact that his father was still in the old apartment, but now he wasn't there and nobody knew where he was. Nobody knew where he was. He could be outside the safety of Magnus and Alec's home. Close to their children. Close to Magnus.