Painful Love

Miss You

Alec hated it. He needed it to stop. He wished he could stop feeling that way. He had been living with Magnus for almost five months. The man was really touchy, not in a bad sense. Alec flinched every time he felt anyone's touch, but there was a part inside of him that awaited those casual touches.

He was feeling like he had with Caleb but with Magnus.

Alec rocked himself. He didn't want to feel that way again. It had ruined his life, the one he had thought he had gotten just back, back when he had confessed his feelings to Caleb. He didn't want that. Was he crushing on Magnus? Would he let him kiss him?

Magnus already did so. Physical touch was his love language. It rarely happened, but he had kissed Alec's cheeks a couple of times. Alec had found himself thinking about it for the next days, after it had happened.

Alec didn't know what his love language was. All that he knew was that he didn't handle touch well. Especially not men's touch. Magnus was the sweetest, kindest, most gentle man he had ever known, though. Would he do to him what Robert and Caleb had done?

The thought of kissing Magnus was appealing yet terrifying. He was the prettiest man on Earth, Alec knew that, so why would he kiss him, the broken, anxious, former homeless boy who had panic attacks on a daily basis?

Alec glanced at the clock Magnus had given him, on the night stand. It was almost eight in the morning. He hadn't slept one bit. He hadn't told Magnus, but he hadn't slept for days. He couldn't. He was drained, but every time he closed his eyes he was reminded of what could happen if he didn't stay vigilant.

The blue-eyed man rubbed his eyes tiredly. He got out of bed and went to the living room. He felt like he could pass out at any time. Magnus was in the kitchen. Alec forced a smile for him.

"Good morning, love," Magnus muttered once he saw him stand in the living room, "Are you okay? You look tired, honey, have you been sleeping?"

Alec gave a small nod, sitting carefully on the sofa. He watched Magnus prepare breakfast for himself in silence, sat on the sofa, because he knew he would fall asleep if he lay down. It wasn't until the cat-eyed man came to sit next to him with two plates with breakfast, that Alec didn't realize he had made him food as well.

"You d—didn't have t—to..." Alec mumbled, reddened. It was hard for him to accept affection, gifts or someone doing something for him. Magnus did that a lot. He had told him he liked taking care of him.

"Oh, but I did. I'm well aware you skip a lot of breakfasts, Alexander, and it's the most important meal of the day." He reminded him.

Alec was still getting used to eating meals. Having lived in the streets for a long time, where he couldn't afford one single meal in days, made it harder for him to be able to get through an entire meal. He saw Magnus had prepared less food for both of them. He was pretty sure he had done that because Alec never finished his food.

"'m s—sorry." He whispered, embarrassed that Magnus couldn't even prepare as much food as he wanted to because of him.

"What for, now?" Magnus asked, confused.

Alec couldn't look at him. He waved at their plates, blushing. He felt his ball of anxiety in his stomach grow a little. Had he done the wrong thing by apologizing? Would Magnus get mad at him? Would he hit him?

"For preparing breakfast for you?" After Alec nodded, Magnus looked at him, sad, "Alec, no apologizing for that, honey. You did nothing wrong. I wanted to make your breakfast. I'm your friend, friends do this kind of things."

Friend. Alec wanted to cry. His brain was split. One side wished he wasn't just his friend, but more than that. The other hated himself for wishing that, reminding him of the way he had gotten hurt by confessing to someone he had feelings for them.