Alec bit his lip so hard it drew blood. His shaky hands failed to cooperate as he tried to retrieve his blade. It was somewhere, under the cabinet underneath the basin. Magnus had come to check in on him and, scared his boyfriend might come in at any given time, he had slid the blade hidden under the basin.
He was supposed to be showering, but he couldn't. It was impossible for him to shower by now. He was too distraught. His repetitive, obsessive thoughts were stuck in a loop and he couldn't get out of it. Exhausting as it was, now Alec was trying to feel with his hand the coldness of the blade lost under the basin.
Spiders.
His hand shot back to his body. Were there spiders under there? Had he just accidentally touched a spider? No, no, no... he shook his head, whispering a mantra of "no" to himself. After grabbing his phone, he turned on the flash and examined the underside of the cabinet and the small space between it and the floor.
No spiders.
It's on your hand. It climbed up your hand and it's now under your clothes.
Quickly glancing down at his hand, still no spiders. No spiders. No spiders. He didn't feel anything weird on his body, either. With a small sniffle, he looked back at the floor lit up by the flash. A seemingly bright tiny object was there. He slid his free hand back under and finally got back the small blade.
Now, cut!
Alec shook his head, gripping the blade in his hand. He wrapped his arms around his head and let it fall to his raised knees.
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Just slide it down your arm.
You've done it before, you even ended up in the hospital.
The hospital, where Robert and Caleb met.
Robert and Caleb.
Gasping for air, he gripped his hair tightly, still feeling the coldness of the blade pressing on his palm. Perhaps it would make his thoughts go away.
Why can't you do it?
It's not like anyone cares.
Magnus doesn't love you.
Stab yourself!
Stab, stab, stab!
No! Stop!
Do it!
What's stopping you?
Do it!
NO!
DO IT!
"NO!" He yelled, "Stop..." he mumbled, allowing a small sob to escape from his lips.
Just a little cut.
Just one more.
Just another cut.
One last cut.
One last cut.
One last cut.
His mind was racing and there was little to nothing he could do to make it stop. It hadn't been this bad in so long. What had changed? What had changed? Alec wished he knew. Or did he? Because, after all, he deserved all this. He deserved to hurt and be in pain. It was what he was used to, right? So why stop it?
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Alec stared up at the ceiling, the light was too much for his sensitive eyes. Tears were falling from them, as he rocked himself with his arms now wrapped around his stomach. He gazed down at his open palm, the blade still there.
YOU ARE READING
Painful Love
FanfictionA series of one-shots following the same background story. Alec Lightwood was just a kid when his father, Robert, started abusing him. His mother, Maryse, had left them. After 18 years of Robert's abuse, Alec meets someone, Caleb Wright. A young man...
