The Worst Choice of my Life (a Gratsu fanfic)

Pt. 19

[Switching POVs]

"Oh, Natsu!" Lisanna exclaimed with a little giggle at the end. I watched in utter disgust as they kissed again.

"Gray darling, is something the matter?" I turn to the voice and slightly shake my head. She continues to look at me with a sad face - a trick she uses to get me to tell the truth. I sighed, giving in.

"Let's go home Juvia." It was a code I used when I didn't want to say it was (and I quote) 'private information'.

We got out of the guild halls and started to wander around. I looked down for a while, Juvia waiting patiently for me to start talking.

"I...I saw Lisanna with another guy the other day.." I trailed off. I saw Juvia's eyes widen with realization in my peripheral vision. "I just..I hate it. I hate how Lisanna can just play it off so calmly and act like she still loves Natsu even though she knows that she's cheating on him. Natsu doesn't deserve it! He's a good guy! I just can't believe someone like Lisanna would do this to him! Guess she's way more selfish than we all thought." I said angrily.

I felt a hand placed on my shoulder. "It's ok, I'm happy to hear that you still care for Natsu. You're a good friend Gray." Juvia said softly. I bit my lip and nodded slowly. For some reason, the 'friend' part really cut me.

"I..I want to be alone for now. Sorry. You've been a real help Juvia." I smiled lightly at her, hoping she couldn't see the pain in my face. I was pretty sure she did but she just went along with it, which I was glad for.

"Alright, well, I'm gonna go back to the guild, stay safe!" She said and ran off.

I took my coat off and hung it up once I got home. I thought back to these past few months.

I broke up with Natsu just a few months ago. 

"Look, I was just stupid okay!? A guy could never satisfy me the way a girl could!"

Those words stung me even more than it did Natsu, that I'm sure of. The pain on his face and the tears and events I saw afterward were fuzzy but ingrained into my mind. Natsu has been my friend from the very start. The guild wasn't exactly how you see it today before Natsu joined. Most of the chaos came from Erza and Mira. I was much quieter back then. I refused to get involved in drama, let alone fights. I went picking on everyone because I still had that 'I'm the best' attitude but I wasn't ever looking for someone to punch. But, when Natsu came into the picture, everything changed. Suddenly, I had the courage to tease even Erza. I actually tried to interact and get to know my fellow guildmates. I became more confident in my remarks, actually looking for a real fight. And it was all because I found a real friend. Someone who opened my eyes. Someone who showed me that the twisted world we live in has its ups as well as its downs. Someone who taught me how to love. So no, the guild wouldn't have been the same if Natsu never showed up, but I wouldn't have either.

Now, I'm not saying my actions beforehand weren't justified, because they were. I guess the easiest way to explain it is before Natsu came strolling into my life, I had lost my parents, my home, my village, and my master so of course I was afraid of losing more. So, I never made connections, scared that Deliora or other Etherious would show up and take that away from me. But, when Natsu came, he possessed power unlike any I've seen before, and I don't mean he was the strongest person I met but more like his power had a unique characteristic that no other did. It practically screamed 'take risks'; made me feel like they were strong - that they couldn't be taken away from me. I believed it and this is where it got me.

I collapsed onto the floor. Tears came flooding out of my eyes for no apparent reason. No, it wasn't for no reason. It was because of realization. I loved Natsu, and the first time I acted on those feelings, I got to the peak of my life. I was in a happy position; one I wanted to stay in for the rest of my life; but I didn't know it then. I was still in denial. A part of me still thought that it was wrong. That I loved him but not in that way. 

I buried my face into the soft cushions of my couch. I stayed there for what felt like eternity, just letting the fabric soak in my tears. But it was dead silent. I didn't sob, or scream, or cry at all. I just sat there, hands limply at my sides with my face buried into the couch, and let my tears fall; let them stream down my face and onto the cushions. 

After a long time, I sat back up. I turned myself around and let my back rest on the front of the couch. I wiped the now dried tears off of my face and propped my knees up, curling into a ball.

I loved spending time with Juvia but it wasn't the same. Juvia had already confessed, saying that she'd been teasing me the whole time and that she fell out of love with me even before I got with Natsu. I enjoyed her company but I didn't love her, at least not romantically. She had always felt like a sister to me, if I was being honest. When she got serious, I felt like she was someone I could talk to and someone who gets me. She understood me; knew when I wanted to actually talk and when I didn't really care. She could do that with a lot of people actually. That's why I asked her in the end.

These past few months, I've been adjusting. I made up a simple excuse to get Natsu off of me but that obviously when way too far. Natsu was the first person I dated and I hadn't gotten my feelings straight yet so I was confused. But I know it now for sure.

I took in a couple deep breaths - the first few being quite shaky but slowly started to stabilize not after too long. I stood up and took one last breath before heading back to the guild. I was determined to tell the truth. Firstly, I'd confront Natsu about Lisanna, and then I'd confess. It shouldn't be that hard right? 

All I have to say is I made a mistake.