The Worst Choice of my Life (a Gratsu fanfic)

Pt. 20

I ran away. I ran away! I RAN AWAY! I F**KING RAN AWAY!!

I mentally and physically slapped myself over and over again. All I had to do was make things right again. All I had to do was apologize to Natsu and tell him the truth. So why in the name of Mavis was I HESITATING!?

I arrived at the lake. I sat down and splashed water onto myself over and over again until my hair was soaked and dripping with water. I looked at my reflection. I felt my eyes burn and hastily blinked to keep the tears at bay. I looked off to the side briefly before turning back to look at myself again.

I sighed. "You're an idiot Gray. You really don't know yourself even after living on this planet for 18 years?" I scolded myself. 'The real reason is only because I know I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything. I'm someone who would try to kill their life long friend just because of his true identity. I don't deserve happiness, love, loyalty. Because I'll lose them anyway. Sometimes even by my own hand... I don't deserve Natsu, or rather, Natsu deserves better.' Tears streamed down my face and I didn't try to stop them this time. I sobbed and cried my heart out alongside them instead. I had to enjoy my last moment anyways.

"Ice Make: Sword"

The cold sculpture began to form in my hand. I looked at my eyes reflected in the ice and smiled at myself. I always wanted my death to be by ice.

I raised the blade up and took in a deep breath. Following my arm, the sharp blade swiftly fell down and stabbed through my chest, and I felt the cold for the first time in forever.

Only if.

Two hands caught me and rested my head on their lap as fell backward from the non-existent impact of the blade slicing through my heart.

My eyes fluttered open after realizing that my attempt at suicide had failed as I felt no pain but comfort.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MAVIS WERE YOU THINKING GRAY?!" I flinched at the loud sound.

I slowly propped myself back up into a sitting position and turned so I was facing him. I felt his soft pink hair on my chest and looked down confused. He had leaned forward and fell onto my chest.

"I just came to thank you for saving my ass from Lisanna and I'm sure as hell glad I did." He mumbled.

I realized what had happened and stammered a bit before regaining control of my voice. "Did...did you melt the ice?" My voice was shaky but controlled enough to understand my words.

I felt something wet drip onto my pants. "Of course, you damn idiot." He choked on a sob.

I bit my lip as tears started to form in my eyes. "Why?"

His tears seemed to stop at this and he sat back up. "Huh?"

"I said why? Why would you save me? In that final battle...when we brought Zeref to the light...I- I let my emotions run wild. And then..And then I tried to kill you Natsu...!" I wasn't holding back anything now. My tears, my words, the truth, I didn't have the energy to hide anymore. "THE GUILD DOESN'T NEED SOMEONE LIKE ME!" I burst into a full on crying session. I felt warm arms wrap around me.

"I said it before and I'll say it again. I wasn't any different from you. But..but we were accepted back into the guild because our FRIENDS could overlook our mistakes. If you're still living in the past, let it go. Your past mistakes may be used to describe who you are but it doesn't mean you are them! Your mistakes are used to identify yourself by telling others how you overcame that obstacle! We all make mistakes and the only ones who remember them are ourselves! Nobody cares who you were back then! If you've changed, then we'll learn to accept it. That's what living in the present means!" 

I gripped onto his arms in an attempt to hug him back. He had no idea how much those words meant to me. I loved him. I loved him so much. I loved him to the moon and back. I-

"I love you Natsu."

He seemed kind of taken aback by this so I hastily explained.

"I was still trying to figure out my sexuality and if this was really my true feelings. That's the only reason I broke up with you and went with Juvia. But, I realized that you mean so much more to me than just my childhood friend. You're the person who convinced me to continue living, the person who brought life back into my body after I lost basically everything to Deliora. Without you, I wouldn't be who I am today. I want you to be in my description. If anyone was to explain who I was either on paper like a biography or in person, you are someone who should be used to describe me. When they write my name in the history books, I want the romance and relationships part to have you and only you. Natsu, I admit, I made a mistake. However, I trust that you can overlook it and give me another chance at just being your friend at the least." I stuck my hand out and waited patiently yet anxiously for his answer.

A few seconds passed and his face was blank; unreadable. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to get my thoughts straight.

After what felt like an eternity, I felt a warmth rub against my hand. I looked up and saw his smile.

"Of course Gray."

I felt a warmth spread through me as a smile played onto my lips. I opened my mouth to speak but was cut off.

"I love you too. Will you be my boyfriend again?"

At that moment, I forgot to breathe. I felt a swarm of emotions surrounding me but one stood above the rest; happiness.

"Hey Gr-"

I pounced onto him and kissed him passionately (I may or may not have slipped my tongue in his mouth). After breaking away a good 30 seconds later, I let my face convey an emotion a rarely ever let play onto my lips.

"Yes!"

We talked about light subjects here and there, mainly commenting on the beautiful sunset-orange sky, as we walked hand-in-hand back to the guildhall. After giving the guild a quick explanation, we walked over to the bar and got something to eat. We continued talking, some people coming by and congratulating us as well as Mira joining us momentarily before having to get back to work.

Even though we were just talking about little things like our battles, pasts, and the guild, I felt really happy. I was more invested on anything we conversed about than ever before.

He went to take a quick bathroom break and I sighed to myself. 'How could I have ever doubted us?' I laughed to myself.

'That was the worst choice of my life.'