Castles in the Sky

˙⋆ Seesaw ⋆˙

We have to stop this.

We can't keep going like this.

I can't keep doing this.

Can we really keep this up forever?

Can we keep holding on without ever seeing one another?

Can we still cling to each other the way we did when we were kids?

We never see each other.

You had to leave when we were kids,

And I learned how to be okay with that.

But things have changed.

You're all grown up now.

We're no longer those little girls who role played to stay alive.

The last time we met up, it was awkward.

I never wanted it to be awkward.

Not with you.

Not with the girl I flew to neverland with at sixteen.

Not with the girl who taught me how to stay young forever.

I wanted us to last forever.

I wanted us to last.

I thought we could do it, too.

I really thought that we'd make it.

I was wrong.

I prayed so many nights that our paths would cross again.

That someday we'd be best friends again.

That somehow we could start again.

That we could pick up where we left off.

That we would reunite and grow old together as friends should.

You were the Thomas to my Newt.

You were the Chloe to my Kelly—

The fire to my ice,

The wild spirit to my reservations.

But I knew.

From the moment we fell apart,

From the moment you disappeared,

From the moment I tried to reach back out,

From the moment you finally answered,

From the moment we reunited at the Huckleberry's parking lot.

It was over the moment it took seven texts over six months to finally hear from you.

Sooner or later,

One of us has to stop texting.

We both know

It'll eventually be me.

But right now I can't.

We found our way back to each other,

But we both know it's not the same.

Trying to hold on will only hurt us both.

But I don't know how to let you go.

I never know how to let anyone go.

You were my north star, Pixie Girl.

How am I supposed to stop navigating around you?

I wanted you back for so many years,

But now that I have you it's still not enough.

I thought I could be content with whatever view of you He allowed,

But I can't.

I want more of you than I can have,

And I don't know how to let go of that dream.

How do you get off the seesaw

When your childhood best friend is still sitting there?

How do you get off first

When you know leaving means a real goodbye this time?

How do you know when it's time to go?

I can't tell how much of this is real and how much is fiction.

I can't remember how much of this is us and how much of this is Suga's.

I don't know how to differentiate the two anymore.

I don't remember when you got off

And left me sitting here alone.

I don't remember how long I've been here alone,

Or when you came back just to leave again.

I don't remember when your ghost came

Or why she's still here across from me.

I can't remember when your ghost became the only version of you I could hold.

I don't remember why this song feels like us when we haven't talked in four months.

I don't know why I can't get off this seesaw

Or why you won't come back.

I don't know if knowing why you aren't here would finally convince me that it's time.