Castles in the Sky

˙⋆ Finally Clean ⋆˙

You are not the villain

I wanted you to be.

I am not the villain

I painted myself to look like

In this collection.

When it first happened,

I wanted to blame you

For everything.

I wanted to conjure you into the antagonist

Who destroyed something magical,

Something that I wanted so desperately to work,

To last.

I wanted you to one day admit that you were the problem,

That you regretted how we ended,

That you would give anything to go back

And do things differently.

I wanted you to apologize

For dropping my heart.

I wanted to embrace the bitterness spreading over my heart like ivy,

And for a long time I did.

I villainized you.

I fixated on every mistake you ever made

And weaponized it to make myself feel better.

I made you the villain of my story,

And I know I keep saying that

But it's the truth:

I took my memories

And rewrote them

—Rewrote you—

Into the villain I wanted

—Or maybe needed—

You to be.

I did it for a lot of reasons,

But none of them are good ones.

I'm ashamed of how long

I fed those emotions.

I believe I needed to hate you.

It wasn't right,

It wasn't godly,

But just as Selena needed to lose her "you" to love herself,

I think I needed to hate you to let go.

I've never been very good at goodbyes.

I've never been good at letting go of things that I wanted.

And I wanted a lifetime with you.

I wanted a future with you.