Chalant Candlelight

Chapter 36

(Zatanna's POV)

"Z, stop," The voice told me but I didn't want to stop, I didn't even register what they said as all I was seeing at this point was red. I snap my head at the person who paused my rage before I knew it I jumped back pointing the knife at them in anger, or defense. They lift their hands up to signify they were surrendering, or didn't mean harm,

"Z?" They cock their heads to the side as my vision clears, Robin stood at the end of my knife, looking worried and possibly a little hurt,

"Robin?" I lower my shoulders. Quickly, I tossed the knife on the cutting board jumping back from it, was I really going to hurt him? He took a deep breath as I turned back to him. He slowly lowered his shaking hands to his side, his hands shook often these days.

"Zatanna, he was just trying to get you to calm down. I've been trying to call your name for like five minutes but you were absorbed in abusing that poor celery," Magan explained looking down at the vegetable that was so minced it was practically baby food,

"Sorry, I think, I'm just a little tense from everything," I took a step back. Robin was unmoving and Magan looked sadly at me. I decided to just leave, walking out wordlessly,

"Z, wait," Robin followed me out into the hallway,

"I just need a minute to calm down," I hold my arms, not turning back to look at the man I just pointed a knife at. I walk into my room him following right behind me. I grab a bag from under my bed before stuffing some clothing in,

"Why are you packing?" He asked following at my heels as I kept my back to him,

"I'm going to my house for a while, I'm planning to take leave from missions, just for a little," I say. The reason, was I desperately needed to get over Robin and his hot and cold personality changes that left me confused and lonely, "Please, leave me alone, Robin, I don't want to talk to you,"

"Too bad, just tell me if you are okay," He said, his hand gently on my shoulder to turn me around, when I turned I suddenly gave him a quick slap across the face, gasping right after as I brought my hands to cover my dropped jaw. He smirked, holding his hand over his cheek the same area Bruce had hit that morning. Subtly he rolled his eyes as if he expected that all along,

"I am so sorry, I didn't mean that," I apologize bringing my hand to his face as he pulled away a little,

"Are you okay?" He ignored all that just happened talking about the celery soup instead of what litterally just happened seconds ago, "Were you thinking about that jerk? Because I promise you, you won't have to see him ever again, I made sure of that,"

"I'm fine," I nod when he pulls me into a hug resting his chin on the top of my head,

"I didn't mean to startle you earlier," He apologized, I pulled away, putting arm's distance between us,

"Robin, I'm sorry," I try to get him to understand that I really didn't mean to point a knife at him and then slap him, even if it was a light slap, no matter who you are you shouldn't hit people,

"For what?" He tilts his head, an innocently confused look on his face, as he legit had no idea what I was being sorry for, "I just want to make sure you are okay, I know last night was really rough and you're probably really shaken up right now,"

"Why do you care?" I shake my head, my intentions behind the question were nothing but genuine curiosity,

"What?" Robin leans in as if he didn't hear the question,

"Why do you care so much about my well-being but the minute I talk about yours you completely shut down?"

"Zatanna," He chuckled a little, "this isn't about me,"

"Exactly! It's never about you! Do you know how embarrassing it feels to practically bare my soul raw to a person who can't even give me one ounce of the vulnerability I show him?" I let out my frustrations making him very uncomfortable, I could tell by his body language he would turn and run if the door behind him was open. Instead, he stood stiff in front of my angry gaze,

"I'm doing pretty okay," He suddenly and plainly said rubbing the back of his head,

"What kind of crap response was that?" I pondered, in the moment, slapping the stupidity right out of him but I decided against it- because that is, repeat after me, abuse,

"Zatanna, I really don't want to talk about it,"

"Too bad," I put my hands on his jacket pulling him down to eye level,

"I don't want you to see that side of me," He finally answers when his lips are inches from mine, his eyes wandering around my mouth,

"Why not?" I ask, wanting him just as much as he wanted me, but I subdued the feeling, waiting for an explanation. He doesn't answer by kissing my lips, I kiss him back, enjoying the feeling of his lips on mine as he backs me up towards my bed. He sits back on my bed letting me climb over his lap, my arms around his neck and his hands traveling my back and thighs.

"He's distracting me," my mind screams at me, opening my eyes during our passionate makeout. I realized his goal when he started to pull at my shirt. I removed my lips from his, making him sigh in frustration as he opened his annoyed eyes on me, knowing I was going to try and talk about his feelings and stuff he didn't want to talk about, "So that's how you get away with not opening up to anyone? You use making out and sex to distract them?" I called him out, making his cheeks red as he looked up into my eyes,

"I just came to make sure you were okay, I could care less about how I'm feeling. So just let me ease your mind," He huffed trying to kiss me again but I pulled my face away,

"I don't want your kiss or your body if you are just doing it to appease me or fake vulnerability, okay?"

"What if this is me being vulnerable?" He throws out the idea,

"Honey, with a body count as high as yours I know that's not true," I say carelessly,

"Ouch," He puts his hand over his heart,

"Do you realize how self-destructive that is?"

"It's not that big of a deal,"

"It is to me,"

"Why?" He snaps, getting mad at me for caring, "Why is what I do with my body so important to you?"

"Do you even enjoy it?" I question, making him freeze up for a second,

"What do you mean?"

"This, do you enjoy this?" I gesture around us at the bed and me on him. Not talking about him and I, personally, rather I am more generalizing about his past experiences, "Be honest,"

"Not always, no," He says so casually as if that were normal,

"Robin," I look mortified at the boy's oblivious face, "Why can't you just say no if you don't want to?"

"There are only two things that can sustain a relationship, emotional connection or sex. When you can't do one you rely on the other,"

"What a sad way to live," I stroke his face, he had a a bruise from where Bruce had hit him,

"Oh quit the pity party, I'm fine," He removed my hands from me again gently removing me from his lap, "Come talk to me if you start to feel scared again, okay?" He walked out of the door into the hallway, answering a phone call,

"Hmm?" He answered walking farther down the hall, I followed to the door to listen in,

"I think I'll need another dose soon, especially if I'm going to have to suffer through this dreaded get-together." He said quietly thinking no one was listening. Dose? I see him hold out his shaking hand to inspect how bad it had gotten. Dreaded get-together? I'm the one who pitched the idea to the girls, if I had known he would call it 'dreaded' I would have never suggested it. Dose? that had to be part of the shaking hands, was he medicating? I was in confusion as I lost the conversation when he got far enough away that I couldn't hold a cup to the door and hear him- you know, like a crazy person does.

I stop thinking about it and head back to the kitchen assuring Magan I was okay and just a little tense.