Chalant Candlelight

Chapter 51

(Zatanna's POV)

The week had passed by and it was now Thursday. I was going to be rejoining the team after some much-needed rest. Robin was by my side helping me fold clothes and place them in my bag. He came over almost every day of my break and we had little dates in my mansion since it was big enough to get lost in and it kept us from the public's eyes. 

We played tag, and billiards, took late-night swims, cooked and baked, played video games, board games, anything and everything. We lived it up like we were kids. 

Robin had a way of making me feel safe with him, his gentle respectful touches that had no ulterior motives behind them, and his soft kisses on my forehead. Even in the house all by ourselves he never tried anything too fast. He was the perfect gentleman. I was thankful for this separation we had. Because...

Every night after he left to patrol with Batman, I'd have these nightmares. These horrific nightmares in which I lose my control and I hurt Robin. I'd wake up in a panic and reach for my phone. Then I'd call him up while he was on patrol, his phone hooked to his comms so he could talk with me even on patrol. I never told him why I was calling, or about my nightmares, instead I just let him talk to me until I drifted back off into sleep,

"Magan's planning a party for your nineteenth birthday tomorrow," Robin informed me, placing a neatly folded sweatshirt into my bag, "Hey isn't this mine?" He questioned, looking closer at the Flying Grayson logo on the front. I sheepishly smiled at him, I stole it a while back and never told him,

"When my dad...became Dr. Fate and you went missing...I found that sweatshirt in your bag,"

"What?" Robin looked up at me with wide eyes,

"I wore it my first night in the cave after my world came crashing down...and like almost every night after that..." My sentence trailed off as the embarrassment and redness flooded my face, 

"Why?" He questioned, baffled by my confession,

"Because it smelled like you," I shrugged, making him more shocked,

"But you hated me? Or you hated Robin at least," He exclaimed,

"Yes, I did, but I needed you that night. My father had just sacrificed himself for me, I lost everything and on top of that, the man my father trusted to protect me simply vanished, leaving me scared and alone," I explain,

"I am so so sorry," He approached me cupping my face in his hands as he looked at me, his eyes full of grief and sadness,

"No, Robin, it wasn't your fault, It was Klarion who ruined my life, remember," I put my hands on his wrists removing his hands from my face as we held each other's hands, "You were the victim of his evil plot,"

"Yet I can't help but feel like I let you down,"

"What were you going to do? You were kidnapped," I chuckled lowly as a small confused smile graced his face, probably because I was laughing at that moment, "Anyway, I've had the sweatshirt for a while now." I brush off the downcast mood,

"Well, I'm glad it was well-loved while I was gone." He pulled me in his arm around my neck while placing a kiss on my cheek. I blush at him as he lets go and goes back to packing for me, "I can't believe your birthday is coming up soon! I just turned eighteen earlier this year." He laughed lightly just trying to make conversation,

"I know, I feel like we didn't really get to celebrate your birthday,"

"Well, I was kind out of it for those months when I was getting sober,"

"Yeah, I guess,"

"But at least we can enjoy your birthday," He smiled, content in the moment. I scoffed, ruining it as he turned his head to me, getting confused,

"You were also avoiding me at the time of your birthday," I blurt out,

"Well, yeah, a lot was going on," He shifted his eyes back to the bag,

"Yeah, I guess," I lay back on my bed, "I could have helped you,"

"You wouldn't have," He laughed a little when he said it,

"What do you mean?" I prop myself up on my elbows,

"Because," He shrugged as I felt my cheeks heat up with anger, "I was a jerk then,"

"Robin, I kept reaching out to you, after you beat up Wally, during our mission to Europe, when we fought before the get-together. I was trying to help you, but you- you were just ignoring me and ignoring your problems, screwing Ivy, and all that other stuff," I say without a filter which was not the best idea as I gained Robin's full attention and watched as his eye twitch a little, hurt evident on his features. I understood that his relationship with Ivy was a sensitive subject for him but when I get mad I just say things that I don't really mean, "Don't ever say I wouldn't have helped you because that was all I wanted to do even if you were being a jerk," I added. Robin was silent, unsure of what to do after my reprimand,

"I'm sorry," He said though it was barely audible as slowly finished what he was folding and set it in the bag, the last item in his pile. His hands shaking when he lifted them back out of the bag, "I think I'm going to head home." He spoke, unable to make eye contact again, perhaps a mix of guilt and not feeling understood.

He stepped out of my bedroom door and closed it back behind him. Once he was gone I let out a strong huff of air when suddenly in my outburst a pair of scissors I was using fell off the bed and stabbed straight into the door, the purple glow dispelling off of them when they hit. I gasped in shock at the sudden lack of control over my magic went through as I sunk down on the floor next to my bed wrapping my hands around my knees,

What is wrong with me? Was I really that angry inside? Did Klarion's influence have a larger effect on my magic than I thought? Would I eventually hurt Robin? After all that's happened to him? ...Why am I so angry...all the time?

(Robin's POV)

What am I doing? Oh gosh- what am I doing?

I furrow my brows deep in a kiss, my mouth exploring another's. I was sat back on a couch being straddled, they felt up my chest while I kneaded their hips and thighs with my hands. Their hands sneaked up my neck and then behind my head as they grabbed a fist full of hair jerking my head back. I groan in pain as they take their chance to fight for dominance in my mouth, letting their tongue explore.

What am I doing? What am I doing???

 My mind kept screaming at me to stop. But I couldn't. When I stop...I remember things I don't want to.

Why should I stop? People assume this from me anyway? Isn't this the only thing I'm good for? I'm already dirty, I'm already tainted, I'm already ruined.

Their mouth lowered down my jaw before beginning to mark up my neck and collarbone.

"Oh gosh, Robin, why are you doing this?" I ask myself in my head,

I'm hurting

"I thought you wanted to be with Zatanna?"

Ruined boys don't get to be with good girls like that. So why try?

So why try?

Zatanna and the love she makes me feel for her is so pure and undefiled. It's precious like wildflowers and sacred like an artifact. It's slow, building, and intimate in nature, it's reverent and all-consuming. Every time I glance into her icy blue eyes I fight the urge to bow my face to the earth and worship the majesty that she is. The thought of taking advantage of her to fufil my needs or going too quickly with her doesn't even cross my mind.

Whatever I'm doing right now or what I have done all my teen and adult life, is another thing. My relationships of the past have felt nothing of love. Rather than love it feels like bitter hate for myself. I feel as if all I am is my body and it is all I can offer and all I can take is someone else's body. There are no emotions involved at least on my end of things. It is rushed and it all blends at some point. I only do it to distract myself from my thoughts for a little while.

Why do I do it?

The guilt. I'm proving to myself that I am all that society has made me out to be. It's the worst type of self-destruction.

I've failed Zatanna so many times, and I keep doing it again and again...and I'm doing it right now...