Chalant Candlelight

Chapter 52

(Robin's POV)

For the first time in my life, I opened my eyes staring up at the person on top of me,

"Can we stop? I don't think I want this anymore," I uttered, I didn't even notice the tears streaming down the corners of my eyes until they wiped them off,

"Why are you crying?" I heard their tone grow angry as their face reddened at my words,

"I'm sorry, I think I made a mistake," I noticed their hands make their way to my wrists to grip them tightly and hold my attention as if they weren't sitting on top of me,

"Are you joking?" Their nails dug into my skin as I winced,

"I shouldn't be here right now," I look around at the small curtained-in nook of the backstage circus hallway,

"But you let me kiss you in the first place? What do you mean you don't want this anymore? I'm confused. I thought you wanted this. I mean this isn't our first time,"

"I thought I did at first, but I realized I don't. It's not you, It's just...I think I'm in love with someone and I should be with them not making out with someone else," I tried to see if their grip would wane just a little but their bruising grip remained strong,

"But you've already turned me on, what am I supposed to do now?" they finally let go of my wrists when their hands traced over my abs. I thought that once my hands were free I would get them off of me and leave but when they let go I realized that I was frozen stiff as their hands danced along the waistline of my pants

What's happening? Why am I frozen? Why do I freeze up whenever I want to get away?

"just relax," I heard repeating in my mind over and over, Ivy told me that all the time, "just relax,"

"Please stop," I say in a singular pathetic sob that I can barely make out as my jaw feels stiff from the stress,

"Just relax," They said looking me in the eye once more before they were going to continue.

Guilty, I feel guilty. I'm worthless, I can't even stop my old habits even when I want to.

Before anything more could happen their body began to glow purple before being jerked backward into the hallway. As soon as they got to their feet they ran off not daring to investigate what just happened to them.

I stayed sat there on that couch my arms limp at my sides my eyes out of focus on the far curtains. I felt the couch dip next to me as Zatanna plopped down next to me. We were silent for a little while,

"I'm sorry," I say expecting her to say something like 'I know' or 'You should be' instead she remained silent a little longer before speaking,

"Are you okay?" She asked taking a deep sigh to alleviate the rage she felt towards me,

"Mhmm," I hummed with glossy eyes and a spacey nod. She stood up before extending a hand to me,

"Let's go," She looked down at me as I took her hand and she led me out of the circus. Wordlessly she took me to the cave. All I could focus on was my hand in hers while she walked in front of me. Why was she even touching me? I'm dirty, she saw how dirty I was but she's still touching me? Why?

(Zatanna's POV)

I closed the door to my room in the cave (Mount Justice) and let go of Robin's hand after closing the door and making sure no one noticed our entrance. I patted the bed next to me for him to sit but he hesitated, looking away from me,

"I don't think I should." He barely spoke up but I heard every word, "I messed up, Z"

"Come sit," I said but I could see the guilt all over him. He finally but hesitantly took a seat next to me. His eyes stayed forward while my eyes studied his side profile. My hands gently took his chin and jaw. moving his head so I could see his hickey-covered neck,

"Why do you do these things to yourself?" I asked him calmly,

"I can't help it, I guess," Robin shrugged,

"You know this is not a healthy or safe coping mechanism?"

"I don't know anything else," He said rather sadly as he kept staring forward,

"You can't go putting yourself into these situations every time you and I fight," I rubbed his aching upper back. He relaxed a little under my touch he hadn't realized how tensed his muscles had been this whole time, "What made you do this?" I asked again this time only pointing to this past incident and not the others,

"You got mad at me," He suddenly started speaking,

"So what if I get mad at you?"

"When you're mad at me, sometimes...you say things to hurt me and I don't know if you mean them or not."

"I'm just angry,"

"But I don't know if you hate me or not," He turned to me, eyes full of unshed tears. I saw that broken boy, the boy who lived through abuse daily, both physical and psychological,

"Why would I suddenly hate you?" I drew back a little

"I don't know," He whined putting his head into his hands, obviously in mental anguish over his insecurities pertaining to my love for him, "I just do these things so I don't have to feel so bad when you leave since I'm already a lost cause,"

"Robin!" I gained his attention once more, "I do not hate you, I am not leaving just because we fight, I care about you," I tried to assure him,

"Zatanna, I'm not worth it, I promise you, I'm not worth it," He looked at me with all seriousness as he slowly shook his head at me, his tears slipping out one by one. He was so beautiful, why was he so sure he was worthless? I wanted to murder all the people who made him feel like this.

I stopped thinking and just kissed him strongly. His hand came to the side of my face as he leaned into the kiss. My hand sat on top of his hand that remained on the bed holding himself up. He pulled away slightly,

"For my own sake please stop before I fall even more in love with you. Please, it'll only make it harder for me when you leave," Robin seemed to kiss and have sex with people to numb something yet with me when he kissed me he actually felt everything,

"I'm not leaving," I spoke with determination in my breathless voice,

"Don't make promises you can't keep,"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Robin went home to go patrol after a while. And I sighed laying back in my bed. I stared at the ceiling until the tidal wave of rage I was holding in let out and suddenly every sharp pencil, pen, tac, small knife or anything shot up into my ceiling. I gasped looking up at it, covering my mouth with my hands,

What is happening to me? Why can't I control it?

I turn to grab my phone, about to call up Robin for some instant comfort when I stop myself halfway,

I shouldn't. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to know.

He kissed someone else today. I knew he would, I knew when I mentioned Ivy I had gone too far and triggered something in his mind. I knew he went to that weird part of the circus because when I first stumbled across that place I was sure he had been there a lot. I knew I had gone too far. Gosh- why can't I just make a point without making it an argument? Why did I get mad at him earlier today? I heard the conversation Robin had with the other, he was trying to leave but he froze up. 

Because of me, because he wanted to numb himself he put himself into that situation then when he realized he didn't want that he lost control of the situation and went into a panic, becuase of me,

All because of me and my stupid unpredictable anger.

I love him, why do I yell at him? Why do I have nightmares of hurting him? Why do I say and do things that cause him such emotional distress and cause him to go into auto-pilot mode, when I know that they do? I know how hard it has been on him yet I keep poking him with a small knife in the ribs every time I feel the slightest amount of frustration or anger. I keep making him spiral when I'm the one who should be caring for him while he's in this vulnerable state.