Romance?

Run Away Romance.

Runaway by Kanye West had me thinking about what my whole love life was like. "Never was much of a romantic," and I never really was, most of the relationships I have been in were "puppy love". I have never felt like I was really in love. Even if I did it wasn't real because every time I would be in a relationship, I would feel like I liked them more than the last.

"I could never take the intimacy," I couldn't, I hated the fact that people were clingy even though that's what I so longed for, I hated being with someone who liked touching me even though it was one of my love languages, and I hated the fact someone would show me love because of the fact I never experienced it. I don't think it's the fact I hated someone who would love me, it was the fact I was scared to be loved because anyone who has ever said they "loved" me, left me.

I am scared to love someone fully with all my heart like I loved my dad. I realize now that I must have daddy issues because I have always looked for someone to protect me. My dad would try to leave when I was younger for the reason that my mom would fight with him or I would fight with my brother. He would pack up his clothes, leave, and eventually come back. Sometimes I felt like he was never going to come back. He did, as my mother said he cared about us. I wanted to believe that but it never seemed all that true. He would leave and I would cry for hours waiting for him to return home.

"And I know it did damage, 'Cause the look in your eyes is killin' me," the damage I have caused to not just one but three of my exes. The only one that hurts me the most is my second high school boyfriend. He knows how badly I hurt him. After we broke up, I talked to him, he looked so hurt, but I still had characterized my anger towards him. Instead of feeling sad about a break up I try to make myself hate him, just so I wouldn't have to feel sad. I feel pity for him and angry at myself for not being there when he needed me most. 

I talked to him recently and apologized for how I acted so we could be friends, mainly because when I would pass by him, his energy felt off. I don't know why but I knew when he was nearby by how off he felt. He has now found peace within himself and I am proud that he has found that for him, it had taken him so long to do so. Regardless of that, when I talked to him in person recently, he seemed sad. I couldn't make him feel sad, so I've distanced myself as a friend so he can find someone that truly makes him happy. Although I do want to have what he and I used to have because of the person he was to me. 

I basically doxxed him, for the reason I was angry that he was mad that I blocked him because I told him to stop contacting me to give me space so I could heal myself. I ended up getting with someone else for the fun of it. He never felt so betrayed after I had told him I would stay until he moved on. What a lie that was. He wanted me to give him a second chance, and I just couldn't because what would people think after all that happened?