Romance?

Romance. What is romance to someone like me? I never really got to experience the greatest love story ever imagined. Not everyone does I guess. I've never truly felt like I was loved as a person. Even if they did love me to that extent, I could never feel the love. They say they love me but I just can't believe it. I mean my own parents can't make me feel loved.

When I was little my parents would argue. I would think, is that what love really is? Even to this day, I think that way. People talk about the argumentative phase, but how can my parents be in that phase for so long? My parents would argue to the point where I couldn't call my friends some nights because of the yelling. I would call my friends throughout my life and have to go on mute due to the spontaneous yelling and pretend that my wifi was making the call glitch. Although my parents do love each other, these moments made me doubt what love was.

Even that doesn't even cover why I am the way I am in love.

I would try to get close to my mom and would try to get her to love me. I was a kid, begging for her attention, her love, anything that could possibly show me she loved me. She would just push me away. It led me to project it because that's what I thought love was.

The same thing happened in the first relationship I ever had. I was in 6th grade, a middle schooler. I was so excited to have my first-ever boyfriend, but when I got to clingy he would break up with me. I started to hate myself for being such a clingy person, someone who is so codependent on someone, and I started to hate clingy people. I feel bad for breaking up with the second relationship I had in high school just because I felt like he was too clingy, along with other reasons but mainly that. I couldn't be with someone who was clingy because of the fact I hated myself for being clingy and never had someone show me sometimes clingy is good until later on.

I push people away when I feel in danger of them leaving, or I feel like I'm going in way too deep. I mean that in the way where everything starts feeling real, and I start falling so deep in love. I'm so scared to love someone, because what if they don't love me back as much as I love them?

Trust me I do love people, but when the realization hits me after the honeymoon phase. I can't do anything but think, do they actually love me too? I always find something wrong.

I pick people apart now. I find their flaws and make me hate them. I guess I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most ;P. I do this just so I'm not the person that falls in love to the point where I become blind and they just get up and leave. So I leave before they can leave me. I want to be the person that leaves rather than the person that gets left.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to love someone and they don't feel the same way? I think about myself before anyone. Who's going to be there for me if I'm not?