Flee from Freedom - (mattheo riddle)

26: Tell me how you feel about him

21st May 1998

My head pounds like a drum. My eyes sting when i open them, intensifying the repeating banging springing around in my head. I haven't had a hangover in so long. 

"Morning." Pansy chuckles from beside me. 

I turn my head on the pillow, to see her sat at the desk. Her legs are up on the table and a wide grin is splattered on her face.

"What the fuck?" I moan, rolling over to pull the pillow over my face. 

"You. Got. Smashed." She says, twirling her hairs in her fingers. "Turns out that muggle stuff was pretty fucking strong, i'm just upset you didn't let me have any. 

"I feel smashed."

"You actually threw a lot of it up after Mattheo brought you down."

"Mattheo?" I pull the pillow from my face, sitting up slightly. 

Her smiles widens. "Don't remember?"

"No."

"He carried you down the stairs, put you in bed and everything." 

"You're kidding?"

"Nope."

The blush rushes to my cheeks before i can stop it. "I didn't say anything, did I." 

"Nothing significant." Pansy begins, then slows down. "Was there something you were concerned about."

"No."

"Amara." She begins to grin again, climbing onto the bed. 

"Pansy."

Picking up her wand, she points it at the door, and it clicks shut. "What is it?"

"Nothing."

She points her wand at the door again. "Silencio." She mutters, and a ripple of light engulfs the walls as the silencing charm takes over. This time she says nothing, just waits for me to talk. 

"I really like him."

"Mattheo?"

"Mattheo."

"Are you going to do anything?"

"There's a big issue, something that actively should prevent me from getting with him. That's why i turned him down in 6th year, that's why we fought back in Padstow. It's only been, what? A week?"

"2 weeks. and a day." She answers, then nods at me to continue.

"I want nothing more than to be with him. But i know when he finds out what i've been keeping from him, he's not going to want to be with me. And if we do get together, there's little chance that he won't find it out."

"Try and keep it from him."

"I can. But he'd find out eventually."

"I think you should go for it"

"Pansy."

"If he can't love you with this, thing, then he doesn't deserve you."

"It's not that simple."

"Tell me honestly how you feel about him."

Waiting for a second, unsure whether to say it, I sit in silence. Pansy sends me an encouraging look and i let it slip out. "I love him Pansy." 

_________

TW: burning

After Pansy found me two more pepper up potions. I spent a lengthy amount of time in my room after that. Pansy is more persuasive that i thought. Part of me is willing to go upstairs right now and kiss him. I'm actively fighting it. I can't stop thinking, imagining his face when he finds out what's on my arm.