innocent lotus flower

Letting It Out

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Wei Ying thinks the only time he has ever felt love, warmth, and simply happiness was when he was a child. He doesn't remember what made it happen, but he can still recall that lingering feeling-proof, to him, that his parents once loved him. No matter what followed, at least once in his life, he knew what it was to be loved.

When he learned he was to marry Lan Wangji-he was just fifteen then-he allowed himself a glimmer of hope. Maybe, finally, he'd feel warmth and love, unlike the oppression of the Jiang household. But that hope shattered the moment he met Lan Wangji, whose icy, taciturn gaze offered nothing. Still, Wei Ying comforted himself, thinking he could win that love.

After the day he saved Lan Wangji's life-and watched the next week as Lan Wangji strolled into school, arm in arm with Ning Xi as his new "girlfriend"-a part of Wei Ying died inside. He clung to logic: perhaps love wouldn't come, but at least he wasn't as undeserving as Madam Yu claimed. By then, any thought of happiness, of wedding bells, was gone.

Yet, after high school, Wei Ying found himself wed to the "great" Lan Wangji: brilliant, powerful, handsome-everything Wei Ying was not. Spoiled by the JIang family and called "useless," Wei Ying rarely accompanied his husband to social functions. Whenever Ning Xi returned, she stepped into Wei Ying's role as Lan Wangji's public partner.

Those years of loveless marriage left Wei Ying numb. When Lan Wangji deployed that cruel scheme to send him away, Wei Ying broke-but Wen Ning and Wen Qing helped piece him back together. He began to learn how to feel again. Then Lan Wangji barged in once more, proclaiming his love-and Wei Ying wanted to scream, "How dare you?"

A storm of rage and pain surged through him. "Really? Now is when you want to declare your love?" he spat, an ugly laugh escaping. "You broke me, drove me to the edge, did those disgusting things to me-and now you have the nerve to stand here as if you have any right? Yes, I was afraid of what you could do, so I let you back into my life. But don't imagine you can change my mind that easily. After my parents' death, I asked for one thing-to feel love again. When I first met you, I thought maybe I could love you too, that we could be happy, that at last I'd have a family free from Madam Yu's cruelty. But it was all the same...no, worse. The man who vowed at the altar to cherish me was also the one who delivered the final blow that broke me."

Lan Wangji's eyes widened-never before had Wei Ying spoken up like this. He tried to interrupt, but Wei Ying's fury drove him on.

"Every day I woke in your house, I never felt safe. I wondered, 'Will he beat me today?' or 'Will he send me away?' Maybe you could've killed me-I would have welcomed that over letting Madam Yu have her way with me. The bruises became my constant reminder of my worth in that house: a servant, voiceless. Even in that misery, I clung to life. So tell me-what gave you the right to say you want to love me now, after taking it all away?"

His voice shook with anger and vulnerability. "Do you really think three words can erase all the pain you caused? That I'd forget and return to how things were? I can't. I can't switch off my memories."

Lan Wangji's eyes filled with remorse, but Wei Ying pressed on, needing to release years of hurt.

"You stole my innocence, my trust, my ability to love freely. You made me doubt my worth. And now...now you expect me to be happy hearing those words from you? I can't believe it." Tears threatened. He drew a breath. "I deserve better. Someone who loves me unconditionally, who protects and cherishes me-not someone who flips a switch and decides they want me back. Love isn't a game you play when it suits you. I've been trying to convince myself otherwise for years, and I'm still not sure I believe it. I don't know if I can ever trust you again or let myself be vulnerable with you. But this I know: I won't let you hurt me any further."

Silence fell, the weight of Wei Ying's confession hanging between them. Lan Wangji's face was a mask of guilt and desperation. He reached out, longing to comfort Wei Ying, but Wei Ying stepped back, shaking his head.

"No, Lan Wangji. Not now-maybe not ever. I need time to heal, to find myself again. And perhaps, one day...one day I may be able to forgive you."