Explode
I could not control my emotions while I was on my way back to Bonifacio. Humihingos ako at sinisikap nalang na intindihin ang sitwasyon kahit ang totoo, kahit ako ay hindi ko maintindihan.
Malaki na ako. I am far from my siblings. But why can't I process things too? I might accept the changes; I might deal with them, but at the back of my mind, I was beyond troubled.
Where am I supposed to get the answers? Where am I supposed to run?
Mavric:
I'm almost in Bonifacio. If you're sleeping, you can get it tomorrow?
Iyon ang tinipa kong text at s-in-end kay Rade nang huminto muna ako sa gilid ng kalsada lalo na't masyadong malabo ang mga mata ko. I took my helmet out of my head and wiped off my face, deciding to go to my father's number, staring at it.
Inipit ko ang helmet sa gilid ng baywang at itinukod ang mga paa sahig, nakatitig sa numero ni Dad.
I haven't replied to his messages yet. His last message was yesterday. Just some pictures of the shoes he sent to me I didn't view. Mukhang bumili siya ng limang pares para sa akin lalo na't alam niya naman gaano ako ka batak sa basketball. I have a lot of shoes at home provided by him too, which I rarely use.
I wanted to type some words, but I don't know what to say. I'm conflicted. When he tried to talk to me about his problem, I dodged it. I was too afraid to face the fact that our family was collapsing. They needed to divorce. Hindi ko alam kung pinag-isipan ba nilang maigi, inisip kami, o kung bakit nila napagdesisyonan.
I shut my eyes and licked my lower lip, lifting my head as I felt so frustrated about it. Napagtanto ko kung gaano kalayo ang loob ko sa kanya. I cannot even say some proper words...
Humingos ako at muling inisip na gusto ni Riri umuwi siya. I wanted to...convince him at least to be with us this Christmas or New Year. Will he come home?
Ilang sandali lang, text ni Rade ang dumating. Tiningnan ko iyon at seryosong pinindot.
Rade:
Still up. I'll get it today.
I don't want to see him, really. I was a mess. I am not in the mood to play around either. I am not in the mood for any distractions.
Mavric:
Tomorrow? Hahaha I'm too sleepy.
Rade:
Wanna drink? I know some place.
Mavric:
Nah. I'm really sleepy. Tired.
I slipped my phone into my pocket. Nag ring pa iyon pero hindi ko na pinansin pa. My mind was bombarded by reaching out to my father or just letting things slip away, like I used to.
I could deal with it. Sure. I've been dealing with it for how many years now. I don't mind if this would continue until more years. But then, how about my siblings?
Nagvibrate ang phone ko at mukhang may text. Pinaharurot ko ang pagmamaneho at swabeng pinaglalagpasan ang malalaking sasakyan, hindi na naisip na may posibilidad na mahampas ako sa kanila.
It was already nine p.m. nang makarating ako sa Bonifacio. Papasok na ako sa parking lot ng building nang makita ko ang imahe niyang nakapamulsa at mukhang pumunta agad dito noong nabasa ang text ko kanina. Fuck.
I parked his motorbike and I can't even take the helmet out of my face. If only I could borrow it for a while, I'll do it. But then, that was more suspicious. Isa pa, galing ako sa byahe at mahangin. He won't suspect my bloodshot eyes of anything emotional, right?
