Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation
Nightmare
Tulog na si Riri at Jester, napagod kakaiyak, at dala na rin siguro ng mga nangyari. Nasa balkonahe kami ni dad, nagpasyang mag-inuman pagkatapos ng dinner para makapag-usap din nang masinsinan.
"Your mom told me everything," marahan niyang sabi.
Tinungga ko ang beer ko at nasa citylights din ang tingin.
"You knew about her..." medyo ayokong banggitin ng buo.
"Yes..."
Tumingin ako sa kanya, naninimbang ang titig.
"We are both hurting, Mavric. I used her as a front to show my family I was straight since my father—your grandfather—is very strict. Imagine my fear." He chuckled.
My shoulder loosened. Though I felt bad for mom, the cheating part is just too hard to swallow.
"Since Georgia seemed to like me back in the day, I fired my shot," he sighed heavily.
"You...never loved her, dad?" I asked.
"I loved her. I was willing to spend the rest of my life with her. You know that feeling that you just accepted things. You set aside your dreams because it's just too far...or it wasn't meant for you? And you tried to be contented...that's why I married your mom. I love her like she was my half, but for some reason, I need her to make my life normal."
Titig na titig ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam ano ang mararamdaman ko.
"Nabanggit ni Georgia na naaalala mo raw ang lahat, at alam mo hanggang ngayon. But...your trauma triggered us to try, Mav. We tried to make it work for our family because you are too young and you are having a hard time. We were already collapsing at that time. Nagmakaawa lang ang mommy mo na baka...kung malaki ang pamilya natin, may mga kapatid ka, makakalimutan mo rin 'yon."
My eyes watered and took my eyes off him. Riri and Jester were only made to...build our family stronger. Damn it.
"Hindi mo ba naisip na...baka pag ipinaintindi niyo lang sa akin, maiintindihan ko, dad?" marahan kong tanong.
He sniffed and smiled wearily. "Natakot din ako. I don't want to ruin your life—your future. You know the prejudice against gay men. You might get bullied at school, and you are too young to deal with it. Hindi ko kaya na baka sisihin mo ako kung naging tampulan ka ng tukso dahil sa kasarian ko."
Huminga ako nang malalim. I reached for my beer and chugged it down when the lump in my throat felt strangling.
"When I confessed it to your mom, I've seen how scared she was—not just for herself, but maybe for the shame of our family. Siguro, doon din siya unti-unting nawalan ng gana sa akin. She had realized now why...I would decline things, and I don't want to try to spice up our marriage at least. I was lacking—not just as a man—but also as a husband to her, Mavric. May mga bagay akong hindi komportableng gawin, at naaapektuhan ang mommy mo. H-Hindi niya ako tanggap," pag-amin niya ngunit pumiyok ang tinig sa huling salita.
"Naiintindihan ko ang nararamdaman niya. She married a gay man—closeted. Kaya siguro...ang mga kulang sa akin, hinanap niya sa tunay na lalake."
I gritted my teeth. If she loves my father, then why would she see his gender as lacking enough to be a husband to her?! My father was content! And she wasn't!
"Your mom advises me not to come out for a while, for your sake. It was my own decision too. Imagine my father's disappointment and my son's fear. Lalo na't...noong araw na 'yon, during your therapy, you were distant and you looked scared. Tuwing nilalapitan kita, pakiramdam mo hindi mo ako kilala. Hanggang sa napapansin ko, lumalaki kang malayo na ang loob sa akin."
