TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
heh, its funny y'know, how quickly i can spiral outta control.
in my room laying, i hear a voice. i go to look and see my older brother on a call with my aunty. he sees me and comes over and says "(my name) is here, say hi"
and me being the awkward person i am just backed away and started closing the door. he told my aunt i did this. she sais something i cant quite remember though it was along the lines of shes a jerk. ive heard this many times before, by siblings, family, friends. im kinda sick of it. and my brother said i heard her and you know what she said, "good, loose the aditude, (insert my name)" i feel like an aweful person and i try to change but they have this idea of me that doesnt. i feel like shit honestly. i cant help but think how great it would be to just end it. im sick of being the asshole people are scared of, ignore, hate. im sick. i feel sick. sometimes i want to rip my own skin off and be someone else. and i know thats a lot from the small comement, but its not jjst that, since i was 5 ive been an older sibling, nappy changes, baths, feedings, the people who say they love me end up hating me. i am so done with privacy and i just want to write everyones names on here and say f you. but im not going to because as much as i hate it, i still want them to accept me and love me. god damnit is that so bloody hard. to be loved!? i know some people do, like my mum. but its so hard to remember when im constantly surrounded by everyone else who just abandons me.
this was just a shitty ending to my day. i try. i really do. but its so hard to do that sometimes when it'd just be so easy to stop.
sorry about the swears, and again, thanks to everyone who reads my shit, nice to know some people will listen to what i have to say.
lots of love to all others struggling <3 :)
