TW: Body image/mention of suicidal thoughts/ starvation(Possibly E.D-not sure)/ depression
do you ever just think "i don't want this anymore"?
i do. so many times.
i don't want relationships, i don't want to go to the next year of school. i don't want life.
sometimes i just stop, and think, what am i doing? i didn't want to be here, in this position i'm in. i want to get into art school. i want to leave the place i am now and start over, i just got my report and last semester i got an A in art. this time around i didn't. that A would've looked so good on my application.
i don't know what I'm going to do. we cant afford my private school now and what if my application gets rejected? id have to move to my local high school - doesn't seem too bad. but art is my dream- or was now i guess.
art was my passion, my escape; i loved making messes and creating things just because, now everything feels so tedious and I'm in pain all the time, physical and mental.
this year has been... shit. that's the only way i can explain it.
i had two great grandparents go, multiple suicidal thoughts, some more. and all my friends are slowly abandoning me.
i hate looking in the bloody mirror before a shower because all i can think is how can i suck in my stomach and get rid of the excess fat on my arms and legs. my face doesn't even look right. i hate where my hairline is and how my face is an odd shape. i looked in the mirror today and one side was more flat, i couldn't wear any tight swimmers without shorts because then my stomach and thighs would be prominent.
and let us not forget the comments. not just about my body. like " wow (insert my names) not hungry for once", or i was at a waterpark the other day with my kind of friends, one of them (ex-bsf) said "imagine if (insert my name) gets so nervous they pull out a chocolate bar from their pocket and starts eating it (we were in line for one of the big rides at the waterpark- one of the scariest
things like that make me not like eating, sometimes ill wake up and look in the mirror and thing "oh, i don't look too bad today" others it like "i wonder if surgery would work" P.S. I've been to the gym plenty before and sometimes i just want to starve, so i don't eat until it physically hurts to walk
"i want to be with you" "i love you" "i wont leave you" "well keep in touch" "I trust you"
these are just things people say. i know its not like that for everyone. some do find love and real friendships, i just haven't
y'know i try to reach out, call em', text em'. no response.
this girl.. she broke up with me right? one of the worst pains ive ever felt.
and on top of all this, I'm so bloody confused about myself. am i aromantic? asexual? pansexual? bisexual? straight? like i look at a guy, i think oh he's cute/ hot, same with girls, I've had... situationships with both but now i think about it and I'm like.. that doesn't interest me.
maybe that'll change- maybe it wont.
I'm so bloody tired .
time- 10:35pm.
goodnight bub, might update tomorrow.
ciao y buenos notches.
