Ready Or Not

Ch 28 - Get the Fuck Out

** Jordyn's POV **

I could never have another baby. Though I never even gave much thought to having one child, let alone two, the news broke my heart more than I can tell you. As stupid as it sounds, it made me feel like a failure. My self pity made it difficult to rejoice in the fact that I just had a healthy, perfect baby boy. And that I had his wonderful, loving, supportive father by my side.

Also not helping me enjoy my new life was the fact that I had a fucking huge incision across my belly that hurt like hell. I may as well have had a c-section and spared myself 14 hours of labor. And to top it all off, I wasn't having any luck with breastfeeding. "Be patient," they told me. Yeah, while my child is starving and screaming his head off.

Bless his heart, Luke tried everything to help cheer me up. And it did help momentarily. It was just something that couldn't be fixed over night. It would be a while before I felt like myself again.

But despite it all, there were plenty of moments that made me smile during those first few days. Like watching Luke change Landon's diaper for the first time. And to see him cuddling that precious bundle of love and singing softly to him when he'd cry. And also when he'd hold my hand as I walked around the hospital halls to get some exercise. I hoped that once the newness wore off, he wouldn't get tired of us. I already couldn't imagine my life without Luke in it.

I had to stay in the hospital for three days because of my complications. On one hand, I couldn't wait to get home. On the other, I was scared to death. I knew how to take care of babies. But I was terrified to now have full responsibility for such a tiny human being's life.

Before releasing us, the nurse reviewed the discharge instructions with Luke and me. Feeding tips, follow up appointments, bathing instructions, and, "No intercourse until you get clearance from the doctor at your six week checkup." Maybe I imagined it, but I swear Luke blushed a little.

Luke insisted on staying with me, which didn't surprise me. And I was thankful. I had little energy and I was still having sad moments. And just having him near made all the difference in the world.

Since Luke would be there to help me, Jodie said that she may as well go on and move back to our parents'. Our lease was up in about two months anyway, and I'd be moving to Sydney. Luke and Jonathan helped her move her things before I left the hospital, so it was a little weird walking into a half empty apartment.

That first night home is something I'll always remember. We made it through the afternoon just fine. Well, except that one incident when Luke was on diaper duty and he failed to keep the wee wee covered. Let's just say that Luke learned that lesson the hard way.

I had a little crying spell after another failed attempt at breastfeeding. Luke took Landon and told me to go lie down and take a nap while he gave him a bottle. I did as he asked, though I was unable to go to sleep. That whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice was a bunch of bullshit. I learned that on day one.

After about half an hour, Luke quietly opened the bedroom door. It was just starting to get dark, so I could see him clearly as he kissed Landon's head and carefully laid him in the bassinet at the foot of the bed. Then he glanced my way, noticing that I was awake.

"You're supposed to be asleep, babe. Did I wake you?" he asked quietly.

"Mmm, no. My brain won't shut down."

He sat down on the bed next to me and pushed my hair away from my face. "What are you thinking about?"

"It would be easier to list the things I'm not thinking about."

He then took my hand and kissed the back of it. "I'm sorry you're having a hard time. You're amazing, you know that?"

I didn't feel amazing whatsoever, which is exactly what I told him. I didn't want anyone's pity, especially Luke's. But I knew the only way I was going to feel better was to talk about it. So I told him how sad I was about not being able to have another baby. And how I hurt so much but hated to take the pain medicine because I had a baby to take care of. And that I hated that I was going to have an ugly scar. And how I felt guilty that I couldn't even provide nourishment for my own baby. And lastly, the thing that had been in the back of my mind for no good reason: I was afraid that he was going to change his mind about being in Landon's life. And mine.