Forever Changed

Chapter 31: Pain and Progress

Angelique POV

(1.5 Years Married)

T/W Discussion of miscarriage, suicidal thoughts and eating disorder

"I can sense your frustration today Angelique. Would you like to tell me what you're feeling?"

Baxter's voice was gentle as he asked the question. His tone of voice was always gentle. He was always calm. Even on my second visit, when I had raged and yelled about the unjustness of losing both my mother in law and my baby in one afternoon. When I had screamed at him so loudly Mattia had burst through the door with his gun drawn, thinking I was being hurt. He hadn't been rattled. After calmly asking Mattia to leave, that I was perfectly fine, he'd simply retaken his seat. One leg crossed over the other, his notepad poised on his lap. 

Seeing Mattia rush into the room that day with his gun pulled had made a weird feeling surge through my body. His face when he thought I was somehow being harmed in this room had been ferocious, he was clearly ready to kill whoever was causing me to scream. Baxter had simply waited until I made eye contact with him and asked me to continue.

I'd lost some of my rage after Mattia's appearance but there was enough left that I'd ranted at him for the remainder of our time together. Telling him that his bullshit mumbo jumbo wasn't going to fix the pain inside me. That no amount of talking was going to take away the hurt I was forced to live with every day. That he couldn't fix me. I was adamant that he'd never convince me that life was worth living. I'd sneered at him that day and made it clear I was only here because my husband was forcing me to attend. He'd sat calmly in his chair, that same leg crossed over the other, hands folded on top of his notebook while I'd told him exactly how little I thought of his skills. 

When the chime sounded to alert us that our session time was over he'd set his notebook aside and dropped his elbows to his knees before he smiled at me. Actually smiled. I remember feeling confused and thinking perhaps he needed to speak with someone if his reaction to my screaming and ranting was to smile. I'd never forget what he'd said next.

"Thank you for today Angelique. Thank you for trusting me enough to be honest about how you feel. You're right that I can't fix you. That's not my job. My job is to help you heal. You'll never forget what happened that day, anyone who says you should forget has obviously never suffered trauma. But I do hope that over time I can equip you with the tools to not let the memories  of that day make you want to shut down. That as we work through your pain I can help guide you  towards a path forward that you want to take. Help you find reasons to want to live." 

I remembered feeling unsettled at his response. That he had simply absorbed all my ranting and still offered me kindness. I think I'd expected him to tell me to stop being childish, that everyone had problems and I needed to get on with things. I hadn't expected him to validate my feelings. Growing up I'd been taught to temper my feelings, know my place, not lash out or make demands. 

He'd stepped towards a shelf by the door and pulled out a black journal. Handing it to me he spoke again. 

"Angel I'd like you to use this journal to capture your thoughts. Whether they're good or bad.  It's your notebook. I won't ask to see what you write in there unless you choose to share with me. It's a safe space for your thoughts. Somewhere to put the memories and moments I know are currently swirling in your mind. You can also write down questions there that you might want to ask in our next session. Nothing is off limits between us. Everything we discuss here is confidential."

I couldn't help but scoff at him then. No way was I sharing my innermost thoughts with a man being paid by my husband. 

"I know you don't believe me yet but I will not reveal what we discuss to Mattia. I will not reveal it to anyone unless I think you're at risk of immediate self harm or harming someone else. I am approved by the Three as a therapist because my family has long been part of this world. I won't be shocked by anything you say, and I won't reveal any illegal activities like a normal therapist might feel required to. My loyalty is to you, my patient."