Forever Changed

Chapter 34: Commitment and Crying

Mattia POV

(1.5 Years Married)

T/W On page discussion of suicidal thoughts

She didn't utter a word the whole way home. Not that I expected her to, but her stillness reminded me of those weeks when all she did was stare out the window or sleep for hours at a time. The days when I was worried she'd never speak again. And I'd done that to her. My words in therapy had silenced her. Again.

The guards nodded at us as we drove through the gates. I knew I only had moments left before our time together was over. I needed to say something. It felt like this was a make or break moment for us.

"I'm sorry. I know you don't want to hear it again, and it probably doesn't mean anything to you but I'm more sorry than I've ever been in my life. If you want to stop our sessions together I'll understand."

Parking the car in the garage my heart was pounding as I waited for her reply. Unsure if she'd even acknowledge what I'd said.

She continued to stare out her window for long minutes. I turned the engine off and sat with my hands fisted in my lap. My knuckles so tightly clenched I feared my hands would never open again. I didn't speak. I didn't dare move. I felt if I got out of the car without her answer that would be the end of us. 

When she turned to face me the look on her face would have brought me to my knees if I wasn't already seated.

"I don't want to stop the sessions. I can't heal without this process. I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. And while I might not trust you, I trust Baxter. He thinks this is the way forward so no, I don't want to stop our sessions."

I felt like I took my first full breath since leaving that couch. 

"Thank you Angel. Thank you. I know today was awful, but I think..."

She interrupted me and I fell silent, let her get her words out. 

"I'm not doing it for you Mattia. I'm doing it for me. I want to feel normal again. I want to get better. I want to be able to leave the house without almost having a panic attack. I want to be able to return to my life. Finish my degree. Be around large groups of people without freaking out. I want to be strong enough to one day have another child. Be a mother. Today wasn't awful, it was disgusting. To hear the words directly from you about everything you did with those women, made it far worse than the stories I'd heard over the years. I knew you'd fucked women. Many women. I even knew about the group scenes, but to hear you list off the things you did on your bachelors party sounded like you were reciting a gross shopping list. Finger this stripper. Get head from this mistress. Fuck this woman and so on. I always worried my being a virgin would make it difficult for me to be enough for you, to hold your interest, when you had so much experience. But sitting there today hearing you list out what you did that night made me realise that it's not about me lacking anything, I doubt any single woman would be enough for you. Nobody could compete with that lifestyle."

She shrugged her shoulders with such a sad look on her face, I felt about an inch tall. She was so beaten down. The vibrant, cheeky girl I'd married was not in the car with me right now. 

"I didn't want to tell you those things Angel but you deserved my honesty. We both agreed to be one hundred percent honest in those sessions. The details of that night are burned into my brain because when I look back I feel like a different man. Like I'm looking at somebody else. I was so angry that night, so furious with my life, my father and from Baxter's insight, maybe even you. The group sex that night was a means to an end. Purely transactional. I wasn't drinking much because we had the family breakfast with the Three the next day and I knew I couldn't show up hungover or my father would have my head. So I reverted to my other crutch, fucking. I can tell you there were no feelings between anyone in that room. I've betrayed you in so many ways since before we even wed, but nobody has ever had my genuine affection. I've never cared for anyone but my siblings the way I care about you. I've never worried about anyone outside my family like I worry about you. And before you say I set Bess up in an apartment, there must have been affection, there wasn't. I did enjoy my time with her, I won't lie, but I didn't think of her when we were apart, I didn't look for ways to make her laugh just so I could hear it, I definitely never called her just to hear her voice. She was a warm body and looking back she's somebody I wish I'd never met. So I know today was hard, but I'm determined to always give you my honesty. It's the only way I can see that you'll ever learn to trust me again."