Forever Changed

Chapter 32: Therapy and Thoughts

Mattia POV

(1.5 Years Married)

I had never been more nervous in my life. 

I was more nervous than the night I lost my virginity at thirteen to a prostitute arranged by my father. More nervous than the first time my father took me with him on a trip to the Bunker to watch him torture a man. More nervous than the first time I sat in on a meeting with the Three. More nervous than the first time I took a man's life. More nervous than the first time I'd been shot and thought I would bleed out before Nico got me to help. More nervous than the morning I went to the hospital to apologise to Angel for my vicious words. More nervous than any moment I'd had on this earth. 

I would take a beating, a stabbing or even another gun shot wound over the possibility that I would fuck up our session with Baxter today and my chance of a future with Angel would be gone. I'd been working hard these last three months in therapy. Working to undo the twenty seven years of thinking that the way I was raised was the way I needed to live. Working to undo the twenty seven years of emotional trauma I'd endured at the hands of my father. Working to undo the patterns of coping and behaviour I always seemed to fall back on. And most important of all learning to deal with my emotions without lashing out. 

Baxter was patient, he was always calm, but he certainly didn't pull any verbal punches when we discussed my past behaviour towards my wife and how much it needed to change if I hoped to have a healthy marriage. I'd been worried that therapy would be something I struggled with. Having emotions was not a known behaviour for me, and the thought of sitting with someone in a room and doing nothing but talking about my feelings had made my skin feel tight. 

Surprisingly I'd actually found the process freeing. 

Once he'd agreed to let me sweep the room for recording devices before every session and not make any notes, I'd felt more comfortable. I remembered the moment before our first session when I made it clear I'd kill not just him but his entire family if he shared anything Angel or I revealed in this space. He had simply raised his brow at me before replying in his usual calm way.

"You really think you're the only man from our world I've had in this room? The only man who's threatened my life? Put your ego aside Mattia and focus on listening and being honest. Those two things are the only way this will work."

I now found my twice weekly visits almost cathartic. To have somebody I could be completely honest with. To have someone I could unburden my thoughts to, and not feel they would take advantage of them. We'd been raised to keep our inner most thoughts and feelings to ourselves. Showing them was a weakness and in our roles in the Family we couldn't afford to show any weakness. 

In my day to day life there were so many expectations of what I had to achieve. Who I should marry. How I should act. Who I should be seen with. Everyone was always watching. Everyone wanted something from me. Growing up I'd had my trust broken more times than I could count, this meant I trusted nobody but my brothers, and even then there were parts of myself I kept hidden. I ran my day to day operation with a close team but they didn't get the real me. Nobody did. 

"Mattia."

Angel's voice brought me out of my head. She rarely spoke to me on our trips to and from therapy and I wasn't sure if her speaking up today, of all days, was a good or bad sign.

"Yes Angel."

"I want to say something before we get to Baxter's office."

My heart started to beat a little faster. Had she changed her mind about us doing a joint session? I had been shocked when Baxter told me that she'd agreed to share one of her sessions each week with me moving forward. I'd initially been thrilled by the thought that she was willing to let me try and fix things, but as the two days passed between her agreement and our joint session I started to panic. What if these sessions made things worse? I knew we were going to discuss subjects that would be difficult for both of us. Especially Angel. I couldn't help but worry that we would go backwards because of it.

Worried my voice might give away my panic I simply turned to her and nodded my head indicating she should continue. 

"I agreed to these sessions because if I am going to choose to live, then I want to live a life worth being here for. Part of that will be our marriage. We are stuck with each other and despite what has happened I am willing to try and work together to come to a place where we can be comfortable together. So if you can't agree to be one hundred percent honest in that room then I won't attend again."

"I will be honest Angel. I want us to..."

She ignored my statement and continued speaking over me as if I hadn't interrupted her. 

"I no longer expect love from you, but I do expect honesty and respect. If you can't fully engage in this therapy and genuinely work on our marriage I will take you up on your previous offer to live separately. You can visit once I feel physically and emotionally ready to try for an heir and we can continue to live separately until the baby is born. I will then move back into the estate but live in the room next to the nursery where the nanny normally lives. I will attend required functions with you in public, and host dinners in your home when required. But we will be married in name only. You can take a mistress and I won't ask any questions. The only thing I'll need from you is that you come to me with a clean STD Panel if you want me to provide any more children. I'd also expect that you are careful with your activities so that any children we have aren't impacted by stories of his or her father's activities or have to acknowledge half siblings."

I felt my heart break at the description of the future she was offering. The same offer I'd threatened her with that day in the hospital and yet again I wanted to take back those awful words I'd spoken. Swallow them down before they ever reached her ears. Hearing her speak them back to me, thinking of that future had my eyes burning.

The thought of her never sleeping beside me in bed again was more than I could bear. Those moments at night when I got to hold her in my arms where my only true happiness these days and to think of never having that again was intolerable. I had to prove to her that I was worth another chance. 

"Mattia." 

I realised I hadn't responded to her words. Swallowing the lump in my throat I hoped she'd hear my honesty, prayed that I wasn't too late to fix this. 

"I give you my word I'll be honest. I'm grateful you agreed to these sessions Angel. I know I'm the one who needs to fix what I broke. Baxter has taught me a lot about what I need to change and I'd like your input into how I do that in a real way. In our life together. I want to be a better man. A better husband and one day a better father. I am trying Angel."

I could feel her studying my face as I spoke but she didn't reply. I turned to face her and she gave me a small nod before she resumed staring out the window at the streets rushing by. I wasn't sure what that meant. The open, easily readable girl I'd married was gone now. The tragedy she'd suffered and the words I'd thrown at her had fundamentally changed her. 

Fuck I hoped this worked. That Baxter knew what he was doing bringing us together like this. The alternative was not something I could deal with. 

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NOTE: I know this was a short chapter but the next chapters are long ones and they take a lot of work. The next four chapters will cover their therapy sessions together before we get another time jump. I've had a lot of comments and direct questions about his apology at the hospital, his cheating, their interactions since she's been home. I hope these coming chapters will answer them.