EndGame || Aaron Hotchner

Chapter 28 - Olivia

I drove around town for a few hours. It was getting late but I didn't feel safe enough to go home alone. So I headed to Rossi's.

I called him and told him to open the gate. I drove in and parked close to his garage. I turned the car off but hesitated to get out. Because I'll have to explain to him why I am like this. I mean he knows, he was there, but I haven't told him about Chax's resurfacing.

I close my eyes and I take a deep breath. Tears form in my eyes.

"I'm getting frustrated too!" he yelled.

"I'm desperate and I'm tired!" he said.

I hit the steering wheel out of frustration. And then I hit it again. And I start crying again. He didn't have to yell like that, like I'm at fault for his frustration. I would be better if I could. He said it's ok, he said I could take all the time in the world, he said he'd be there. What changed?

He looked into those fucking files, that's what changed! He shouldn't have done that. Now, he knows everything that Chax did to me... Everything-- And he's rightfully disgusted and mad I didn't tell him everything sooner. Maybe I shouldn't have told him anything to begin with. I should have dealt with it on my own. At least then he wouldn't have those files and I'd still have him in the end.

But it is what it is. And if he changes his mind, he will know where to find me; it's not that hard to guess the place I'd run to.

I wipe my tears, get myself together as best as I can at my state, grab my bag and I step out of the car. Even walking to the door exhaustes me. I ring the doorbell and I wait, being extra careful to keep my breathing normal.

David smiles as he opens the door. "Liv, finally! What have you been doing outside for so long?". Then his eyes land on my bag.

"I... Can I stay here for a few days?" I ask

"Of course. Come in" he opens the door further and lets me in.

I put the bag down and I sit on the couch. I bury my face in my hands and I try to calm down. David sits besides me, "What's wrong, kid?"

"Dwayne Chax is alive..." I reveal

"That's impossible"

"It's not. He was identified by a security camera in Texas, close to the Mexican border 6 days ago. SSA Swann confirmed it", the pressure in my chest builds again.

"That's why you haven't been to work these days?" he asks

I nod.

"Ok. He is alive. So he has been alive for the past 15 years that he's presumed dead and he hasn't come for you. It doesn't mean he is going to come for you now" he replies

"I know. But it brought back everything..." I shakey breath leaves my lips

"I'm sorry" he says.

"I just need to stay somewhere far from my house. I don't feel safe sleeping being alone" I admit

"You will stay here. And don't worry about anything. The mansion is a fortress" he reminds me

"Thank you"

"Don't even mention it" he goes to pat my shoulder but stops himself. "I will go reheat you some dinner"

"No, I ate"

"I doubt it" he insists as he goes to the kitchen.

My phone starts ringing and I almost flinch. Aaron's name pops up but I decline it. He texts me right after asking me to confirm that I'm somewhere safe. Wow, he remembered I exist 3 hours after leaving his house.

I throw the phone besides me on the couch pissed. "Who's pissing off her Majesty?" he asks

"Aa-- Hotchner"

"Who else...?" he chuckles.

"No, not like that. It's... You really haven't noticed by now?" I ask.

He looks at me clueless.

"It's Aaron. He's the guy I've been seeing for the passed 4 months"

He freezes, "What?"

"You heard me"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Are you going to keep doing this for long?".

He stops and takes a breath. "You and Aaron... You're lucky I love you, or else I would have just shot him"

"Don't worry too much, the relationship probably ran its course". I didn't expect to admit it this easily this soon.

"Is that why you're telling me about it now?" he asks as he comes from the kitchen with two plates in his hands and sets them on the table in front of me.

"Yeah. I was good, I was happy, I love him..." my vision fills with tears.

"What did he do?" he asks.

"He looked into my files. He read everything" I sob

"And?"

"And?! I told him the story, but then he went over me. He got every classified file he could get without asking me first. He violated several protocols and he violated me!" I insist

"He probably thought there was much more to the case. I'm sure he didn't mean any harm"

"Who's side are you on now?"

"No one's"

"He yelled at me like his frustration is my fault. Does he think I'm doing this on purpose? I'm trying..."

"I'm sure he's trying too. If he loves you, he was suffering with you. And every person has their breaking point".

And it finally occurs to me that I might have been too quick to judge Aaron. He's been nothing but patient and nice to me for the passed 6 days. He's been doing everything right, while taking on our work load on his shoulders. I was scared to let him touch me, in fear I'll feel Chax. And I have the audacity to kick him out of his own bed.

"I'm trying, Aaron" I whisper

He was trying too...

"You're right... This is my fault"

"No. It's not your fault or Aaron's. It's Dwayne's fault. But you'll get through it, just like you did last time" he reassures me

"Not if Aaron can't see passed all of this. What if he doesn't want to be with me anymore after reading all those gruesome details? What if he doesn't want to be with me anymore after I blamed him?"

"He's not a saint himself. He did look into your files illegally. He still yelled at you!" he reminds me, "But if he truly loves you, he will be here. Relationships are not easy, especially in these kinds of situations. Fights happen, and it's ok to need space sometimes in order to calm down and think clearly".

"And what happens when he doesn't come back?", I wipe my tears but new ones keep rolling

"You'll feel the void for some time. Then days, weeks, months will pass and slowly you'll be able to fill the empty space with something new"

"I don't want something new. I want him, but I'm not in the right mind to have him" I admit. "I was scared to let him touch me, David. He's never treated me badly. I want him, I feel safe around him, but I can't stand him touching me right now. What is that?"

"PTSD. Severe trauma can actually change the pathways in the brain and the part that is reptilian and responsive to fight-or-flight situations. That is your Amygdala trying to keep you safe. That can override the logical thinking brain and start to think on their behalf. For example, the information of a touch is bypassing your front logical brain and the primitive brain is more in control" he explains

"How do I stop being on fight-or-flight mode?"

"You call your therapist"

"Of course..."

"Now eat your pasta before it gets cold. I have to run somewhere"

"Don't--", but he's already gone and I have no intention of chasing after him.