Do you still cry? //Billie Eilish

dry January

-Lisa's pov- 

Don't even ask me how I've been doing. January is always one of the busiest months at university, and for the first time in my life, I've been struggling to keep up. Like actually struggling.

I lost a lot of weight because I couldn't eat properly. I also went on long runs almost daily because that was the only time I could stop thinking about Billie. So yeah that combo wasn't necessarily the best.

Whenever I opened my phone, I saw either edits of Billie that fans made or rumors about me and her dating. It was weird to see stuff about myself on the internet for the first time, but even worse to read about us dating when we were literally broken up.

Somehow, they also found my Instagram profile, so I had to go private because fans were spamming me with messages, commenting on my posts, asking if I was dating Billie, etc.

That also led to my actual friends finding out about the relationship I was hiding from them. Some of my very best friends felt hurt by the fact that I didn't trust them enough to tell them about my now ex-girlfriend and took it super personally. I tried to explain it to them but they still interpreted it as a lack of trust, which, at the end of the day, that's what it was. 

But really, the worst thing about it was that everyone thought we were still dating. But we weren't. I have been waiting to hear from her since we broke up. Not a single text. She just cut me out completely. Again. For the fucking second time (!!!). She must have returned to the U.S. because I ran past her house a few times, and she never was home. I know that sounds desperate, but I just wanted to see if she actually left. 

The only person I trusted with how I felt was, as always, Hannah. She visited this past weekend and just held me while I sobbed in her arms for hours.

We watched a lot of my comfort movies and ate ice cream. That's basic af I know, but it helped me get a few calories in and feel a little better. I was proud to finish an entire Ben and Jerry's container in one sitting.

Hannah held her phone in my face. "Bro, I know we're trying to do a Billie detox here, but look at that."

It was the headline of an article, "Billie Eilish Dates Fan: Why The Famous Singer Is A Hypocrite For Dating a Fan And Abuses Her Power Over Her."

"Okay, these tabloids are an absolute joke.", I said, staring at her phone. "I hate her, but that's not what happened."

"Wtf, they even mention your @," she said.

"I already changed it. How do they even find my account so quickly? That's wild! They are making up so much bullshit fuck."

That wasn't the only article that came out that night. I read three more that said the same thing over and over again, just assuming different things, shaming Billie for dating me and speculating about my motives.

What is wrong with these people?

I hoped that her fans might be a little more understanding about it, but honestly, they were even worse; only a few were supportive, commenting to leave us alone and not get involved in her love life, etc. I was so frustrated with everyone and everything. I wanted to vanish from the world.

After all, Billie was right; It is best if nobody finds out about a relationship when you're in the public eye. Back then, I didn't know how bad it would be. It's too late now, anyway. I really wanted to talk to her about it, but obviously, I couldn't. Not having her to talk to about it was what made this even worse. 

Some tabloids asked me to provide a statement for their stories. They even offered me money for a tell-all interview, which I, of course, declined.