37 days: Holding on 2 broken promises

No one wins, no one loses

POV
X

Damn, this woman is fucking abusive lately.

The faster we have our little pointless talk on the beach the faster she'll leave.

I can't even look at her, she looks fucking beautiful right now, but it's not for me it's for whoever she transferred feelings for.

I keep my head down following her out of the bedroom where I let all my frustrations out the other night.

We walk through the living room where Steph is crying and Julian is consoling her, I hate them right now. They're moving in together and here I am alone as always and always will be.

Millie ignores the couple on the couch, as do I as I follow her out of the penthouse.

We take the stairs rather than the elevator and If I just play by the rules it'll all be over fast enough.

We make it outside and I can smell the smoke from my balcony from out here. Luckily I didn't lose my joint, after I stood up from my comfortable spot on my chair, I placed the joint behind my ear. I'm gonna need this shit before, during and after this lecture.

We walk through the beach as Millie is still leading the way and my shoes are collecting sand as we go.

We reach the shoreline and she sits herself cross-legged.

"Sit down." She demands.

"I don't want to," I say rebelling against her.

"Sit the fuck down," she says not taking no for an answer.

My god she's so feisty lately.

I sit down with my feet planted on the sand and my knees bent with my hands supporting me from behind.

"Talk." She says wasting no time.

"What do you want to know?" I ask annoyed.

"Everything." She simply states.

"Yeah well, I don't know what to tell you," I say wanting this to be over so I can just be in peace with my best friend Mary Jane.

"Okay, fine. 20 questions, we'll both ask each other hard questions and we can't turn it down, no one wins, no one loses." She proposes.

"Ughh," I say with a dramatic exhale not wanting to play this stupid fucking game but I want this to be over and it won't be until she gets her way.

"Fine, go," I say agitated.

"Why did you do it, I know you're a huge drug dealer, you know better, so why did you do it?" She asks.

"Because I wanted an escape. I went too far and I didn't mean to." I explain.

"Your turn," she says to me looking my way but I don't look at her, I can't.

"Do you like this guy?" I ask really wanting to know.

"I don't know, honest answer, in ways yes and in ways no." She says and it hurts like a bitch.

"What happened when you overdosed?" She asks straight forward.

I shrug my shoulders, "I went unconscious, threw up, got confused, called our medic Millie, lost consciousness again, seized, died for a minute, and then woke up trying to call out for you." I explain and look over to her as I say the last words. She's crying and I want to hug her and assure her I'm fine but my pride gets in the way of that.

"Why did you go out with him?" I ask trying to change the subject.

"Because I was mad at you, I wanted to get you back for what you did to me." She says and it makes me feel like shit for giving her such a hard time about it.

"What did it feel like to die?" She asks quietly and slowly.

"It felt good, it felt amazing actually," I say with honesty in my words.

She nods her head.

"Millie, your parents are at peace," I say fully looking at the shattered woman in front of me.

She nods her head again.

"Are you going to go on a second date with this guy? Have you kissed him or anything else?" I ask starting to get heated by the thought.

"That was two questions, but no to both of them." She says quietly.

"What really made you want to mix the alcohol and pills?" She asks and I'm about to hurt her with my answer.

"You and my mom," I say regretfully.

She depressively nods her head again.

"I'm sorry." She says sobbing and covering her hands with her face. I finally have the courage to hug her for comfort and the feeling of her in my arms brings me back to the place where I felt complete peace and serenity.

"It's not your fault baby, it's mine, I'm sorry I did this to you," I say wiping away a tear from her cheek.

"Millie, I promise you, I'll never do it again," I say wiping away another tear.

"I was stupid, and I was desperate to stop my hurt," I say brushing the hair away from her face.

"Why does everyone I get close to have to die, or almost die? Why does this happen to me?" She says sobbing.

"Mil, listen to me, you are not responsible for the actions of others, you're just the unfortunate one to be caught in the middle," I say emphatically.

"Can I say something harsh?" I ask hesitantly.

"Since when do you ask?" She says.

"Okay, you got me there," I say.

"Go on," she says waiting for me to speak my harsh words.

"I understand why your dad did what he did, Millie," I say and she looks confused.

"Your dad, he didn't turn to drugs to hurt you, he did it because he felt he couldn't live another day without your mom and I can relate to that. I felt as though I couldn't live another second without you, I dove into the pills and alcohol because I was desperate to feel numb. It was so wrong of me Millie, it was cowardly of me because I didn't deserve the numbness, I deserve the pain for what I did." I explain to her.

"What was so harsh about that?" She asks.

"Your dad was a coward, Millie, he took the easy way out more than once to mask the pain and dragged you down with him. He was a selfish man that couldn't be strong enough for you. I may be like your father in this instance but the difference here is that your dad had something to still live for, I had nothing, it's like, I don't know, what's the point of being alive if you're not really live?" I say truthfully.

She looks up at me, "so I'm nothing? I'm not worth the effort? I'm not something to live for?" She asks breaking my heart.

"Millie, that couldn't be further from the truth, you are everything," I say honestly, and what she does next shocks the hell out of me.