37 days: Holding on 2 broken promises

20 answers

POV
Millie

I take the piece of white paper out of the envelope, the page is filled with black ink numbered 1-20 of things about himself. I take a deep breath in and deeper one out and start reading number one.

1. Until you, Julian was my only true friend
2. I didn't take the Colombia deal even though it was offered
3. I secretly wished my mom would've denied the $25,000 to stay in my life
4. I hate the business I'm in but it's all I've ever known
5. Sometimes I wish my mom would've taken me with her so I could've had a normal life
6. I hate that my mom had more kids
7. I have no desire to meet my siblings
8. I was afraid to get close to you because this business is brutal, love can be used as leverage.
9. The day you moved into the penthouse, was when I really knew I never wanted to see a day without you
10. I knew my dad was cheating on my mom for the longest time but never told her
11. The day my dad left everything to me was the day I lost myself
12. My first tattoo was of my own name at 16 on my arm done by Julian when he was 15
13. Yes, It was embarrassing and I regret it
14. I lay awake at night thinking about my overdose and how unfair that was to you
15. At age 15 I attempted suicide to escape this life but Julian's dad found me before I could try and talked me out of it, you are now the only living person besides me who knows that
16. Yes, I have killed someone, more than once.
17. The first time I killed someone, I was 17 and I went to my room and cried like a baby even though he wasn't a good person. I thought about how his family would never see him again because of me.
18. I feel like you are the only one that sees me
19. I really do love you
20. I want you to be happy even if it's not with me but I'm too selfish to tell you that in person

Tear after tear fall from my face, landing on the letter in my hands. My heart really breaks for him in some of these revelations. X was a man who was designed to be a certain way because of his upbringing and surroundings even though through that hard shell of his, is a good person. X is a person who was abandoned by his mother at ten years old and twenty-one years later he still yearns for that maternal figure in secret. This is not the life he wanted but it's the life he got. His mentality in life is to kill or be killed, the pressure he must feel to be a leader in his household must be tremendous. He's a man that lives in a lonely world and when I came around I pulled him out of that loneliness, only to place him right back there. X is not someone who can easily walk away and start over elsewhere like me or even Nick can, he's so tied to his roots. He may have more money than anyone would ever need but it's true, money cannot buy happiness. I gave X happiness and he returned the happiness to me when it felt so out of reach. We were both just getting by before we met each other, living each day without meaning, feeling empty, and simply just surviving. We found something special in each other that brought out the light in one another. This note means everything to me, him revealing personal secrets with me, confirms what a strong man he is.

I have a lot to think about, I have a much better understanding of X but just because I understand him doesn't mean we're right for each other. Will he fuck up again even if he doesn't intend to hurt me? At the end of the day, he is very tied to those roots, people can't change overnight.