Glimpse Of Us | JEGULUS

7 | but you know i can't let it go

"Er, James?" Sirius inquired from where he stood behind the boy. James stared up at the door to the train as though it had three heads. Sirius glanced behind them at the growing line of irritated Hogwarts students. "Earth to Prongs," he said, grabbing the boy's shoulders and shaking him slightly, "If you're going to just stand there, we should probably step to the side so others can get on."

"What?" James asked in confusion as he turned to face the boy. He glanced behind him and frowned, "Oh, sorry."

The two entered the train and began searching for their friends. "Are you alright?" Sirius asked the boy curiously. He had been acting weird for the past week. Ever since he got back from the Quidditch camp. "You've been spacing more than usual."

"I'm fine," James replied. Truth is, James couldn't stop thinking about Sirius's little brother but that wasn't something he ever intended for Sirius to find out. "I'm just trying to get into the mindset of this year, you know? We've got a lot of work ahead of us." They stopped in front of their usual compartment and Sirius raised an eyebrow, "Give me a week and I'm sure I'll be just fine."

Sirius snorted at this, sliding the door open, "Yeah, whatever you say."

James had stared out the window the entire train ride to the school. He remained uncharacteristically quiet but none of the boys tried to do much about it either. Every time he closed his eyes, he could hear Regulus muttering sweet nothings in his ear after littering him in kisses. He had never thought that Regulus was a sweet talker but he was. Oh, he really was.

Eventually, they made it to the school and they all sat at the Gryffindor table together as they did at the start of every term. Dumbledore gave his speech and they returned to their conversations as per usual. Sans James.

James watched the boy from across the Hall. It was odd seeing him operate with such intricacy. It was nothing he had bothered to notice before but now it was all he could notice. Regulus caught his eye for a brief moment and they stayed like that until the boy shook his head and returned to putting food on his plate.

The Gryffindor frowned but forced himself to focus on his friend's conversation and keep his line of sight away from the Slytherin table. "What did he do?" Sirius asked after a moment and the three boys turned to look at him in confusion.

"What?" James asked after realizing the question was directed at him.

"My brother," he explained. "What did he do?"

He shook his head, "I'm not sure what you're talking about."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "I saw you watching him. You can tell me if he did something."

"He didn't," James replied and Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I must have zoned out, I hadn't even realized I was looking over there."

"Prongs, do you think I'm stupid?"

James faltered at this, "No, of course I don't. But-"

"You left for two weeks to some camp where you were stuck in a room with my brother," Sirius reminded him as though he didn't know. "And then you come back acting weird and distant and you expect me to believe nothing happened?"

"Nothing happened, I swear." Nothing Sirius wanted to know about, anyway. James was certain that if Sirius ever knew the truth about what happened at Quidditch camp, Sirius would never forgive him. Merlin, James wasn't sure if he could forgive himself.

"I know that it's been a rough few months with everything that happened, James, but I never expected you to straight up lie to me," Sirius shook his head in disbelief. "I'm not some sensitive ticking time bomb that will explode if you make the wrong move. I have every right to know what my brother did or said."

"He didn't do anything," James insisted. "I promise."

"Pads, I think he's telling the truth," Remus spoke up and Peter nodded in agreement. "Like you said, he's got no reason to lie."

"Whatever," Sirius huffed, pushing his plate forward, "I'm going to bed."

The three watched him walk away and James let out a sigh of defeat. Remus frowned, "You just have to give him time. He's still-"

"Yeah, I know," James huffed. "I just don't understand why he doesn't believe me."

Yes, he did. He absolutely understood why he didn't believe him. Because he was lying. He was a liar. But it's not as though he could come out and say that he fucked his brother while they were away at camp. For so many reasons.

And it didn't help that he didn't understand it himself. Maybe if he knew why he felt that way or why he did what he did with Regulus, he would know how to act but it was like he was stuck. Not physically but mentally. Every time he tried to come up with some sort of explanation, it was like he couldn't get past the facts of it all to fully understand what exactly he was feeling.

He had sex with Regulus. Multiple times. Regulus was a guy. Regulus was gay? And he was- He was something.

He knew he liked girls. He had been after Lily for years and the feelings he had were real. And he had sex with girls and he liked it. He liked it very much. But he had never thought about guys like that before and now that he had...

He had no idea what he was and it was paralyzing.

His gaze flickered back to the Slytherin table to find that Regulus had been watching him but the boy had immediately looked away upon being caught. James rested his head in his hands and Peter placed his hand on the boy's back, "You can always try talking to him again when he's not so upset."

"I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that, Pete."