Mafia Men III: Marino

Chapter 32

I hurried upstairs when I got home and felt it all rushing up ready for release. I went into the bathroom and over the toilet as I felt all the contents of my stomach resurface. I flushed the toilet and quickly brushed my teeth. I groaned and sat on the bathroom floor. I closed my eyes as the remainder of the alcohol I had this evening still settled in my stomach. I leaned my head back against the wall and ran my hands through my hair. The drinking helped me get through the day. I tried to ignore the images in my head from everything I had done today. I looked at the blood on my hands and cursed. I tried to stand but my vision failed to straighten.  Soon I heard my bedroom door slam and Ellie walked in the bathroom before I could get up to close the door. She looked down at me and hurried over to me. She saw my hands.

"It's not mine." I said trying to get up but she pushed me back down

"Why do you...Forget it. Let's get you showered and changed" She said pissed

"Im fine Ellie. Just leave me here darling" I said running my hands through my hair

She got on her knees in front of me.

"Miles what the fuck is going on?" She asked me and I avoided her eyes "You can't even look at me"

I sighed and she shook her head.
"Is there someone..is there someone else?" She asked and I looked up quickly to see her with tears in her eyes

My heart broke. "Ellie..." I started and she backed away from me as I reached for her. "Never. There will never be another woman after you. There is no after you."

She looked at me to find the truth and I sighed pulling her towards me.

"I'm sorry" I said and she looked at me "I haven't been honest with you about my..my past."

She nodded.

"I didn't tell you. I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want you to look at me differently." I said

She held my hand and sat down on her feet. Her hands rubbed along my knuckles.

"Everything that I told you had been the brief version of it all. My father was Giovanni's father second in command, which meant I was not in line for the leader position. I was okay with it because I didn't want it. I saw the life and how it made Giovanni's father. I didn't want that. My father however had other plans for me. Since I was young he taught me how to take pain and inflict it. Most of it had been from his own doing. He told me that I'd never know the tolerance of the human body if I couldn't feel it myself. He trained me for years and years and all I wanted was him to be proud of me so I endured it all. When I turned 18 he made me an official hitman. My father called me...Death. He never called me Miles again after my 18th birthday. He'd send me on tasks to take people out to kill them. I did it hoping he'd be proud of me and when I did it he'd barely even look at me. I did this for years. My mother had no idea what was happening because she was sick and when she died, I..I felt nothing. I was numb and the only time I felt something was when I killed. That allowed to me feel something even if it was guilt and shame, it was better than nothing. Three years ago, I told my father that I was done that I felt it changing me, what I did. I didn't like the feeling but he ignored me. He put me on another job and I told him no that I won't do it. My father was pissed but he told the man that wanted to hire me that I was done. I was surprised he respected my decision. He wasn't above forcing me to do a job. I think he started to see how the killing affected me. How different I was. One night he asked me to go get dinner with him to talk. I went to meet him and found out that he had been killed by the guy who I had declined job offer. I was so lost Ellie. I hated the man don't get me wrong but he was there. Him being here for me to hate him was enough for me. Once he was gone, everything was gone. I couldn't love. I couldn't hate. I couldn't feel anything except for rage. I found the man who killed my father and I killed him. I had no one left. I had nothing. So I went to Giovanni's house. He had no idea about what I did but when I showed up to his doorstep covered in blood he helped me. He was the only person who knew something was wrong somehow but never pushed me to tell him. I never did, but I figured he knew. Three years ago I swore to never kill again. Giovanni asked me to take his position and I didn't want to let him down so I did. I figured I'd let my men handle that side of things until Carter. I had to do it myself because there was no way I could sit by and let him get away after what he did to you."

I looked at her and she had tears down her face.
"I know I'm not the man you expected me to be. I'm sorry I lied."

"This job. You're killing again." She said and I looked away from her

Of course she'd put it together. Another thing I loved about her was how she was observant. Nothing could get past her and I loved that.

I nodded and her lip trembled as she tried to stop the tears from falling.

"Miles I'm sorry you had to go through that. Why? Why are you doing this job if it's literally killing you?" She asked and I sighed raising my hand and caressing her cheek as she cried.

"I have to darling" I said

She shook her head. "Miles you haven't been yourself for a week now. You're distant and you've been drinking so much. You've been avoiding me and sending Cam to watch me."

I tried not to wince at her use of a nickname for Cameron. Perhaps they were closer than I had expected.

"I didn't want you to see me like this" I gestured to the bathroom and me on the floor "I can handle it."

"This is you handling it? Drinking the pain away?" She asked and I pushed her hair behind her ear

"Ellie..."

"Miles please just quit. It's killing you. It's killing us" She said and I looked into her eyes

It's killing us.

The words absolutely hurt me. The thought of losing her hurt me. Cameron told me this would happen. How pushing her away would lose her but I can't think of anything worse than me not protecting her from Micheal.

"I can't" I said standing up and running my hands through my hair

She sat there looking at the ground. I picked her up and pulled her into the room. She crawled into the bed and I took my shoes off getting into the bed too. I tried to grab her waist and she turned her back to me. Blatant rejection. I could not go to sleep without her in my arms. It was the only reason I wanted to sleep. The only reason that I could wake up and go to hell each day. The only reason I came home with my sanity in tact was knowing that she would be here for me to hold. I needed her. I needed this. If this job is pushing us apart, I needed to find another way to keep her safe. Unfortunately that might have to be Cameron's way from the very start. I'm going to have to kill them.

I heard her sniffling and it broke my heart. I pulled her into me and laid my head in the crook of her neck.

"I know you wouldn't feel like this if you didn't care about me. But, it's destroying anything left in me to hear you crying right now. It's bad right now. It is, but I need you to trust me that I'll fix it. I'll fix us. I can't lose you Ellie and I'm sorry if I made it seem like that would be something that I would be okay with. That'll never be an option. Losing you is not an option." I said