Secrets of the lost past

Chapter 10

The day I've dreaded the most since I came here arrived. The day that would put its depressing badge on the rest of my life. Our wedding.

I could see how much this whole event mattered to me the moment I took a look at myself in the mirror: I knew that I was going to be late, that myself mattered more than her.

Glancing at my features in the mirror, I was certain that I did not have the mindset of an engaged man. I'd always put myself over anyone, especially if the person is somewhat ugly in my eyes.

A girl being 'ugly' never stopped me until now. Forgetting every girl I talked to was okay. But now, I cannot, even if I don't want to. I don't want her at all, but it's almost like I'm sewn to her from the inside with the strongest string known to man. If I could, I'd bite the string and spit it straight into the void where she is instead of my heart.

As soon as I looked in the mirror, I could not take my eyes off the horrible husband standing before me.

Husband. I never imagined my life as a husband with five kids, and I always made sure I didn't have to, either. I leave every woman I meet within three days, I find a new one three seconds after losing the previous. And I loved it, I didn't want to sacrifice thousands of nights for an ugly woman.

I already hated this whole 'marriage thing'. All women are attracted to me, yet I wouldn't be allowed to thank them for their affection. It hurt so much, though it didn't begin yet.

How nice. Everyone longed for the ceremony to begin, while I admired myself in the mirror for hours.

That's me. And I don't want to let that go for a woman and two nonexistent little things. I don't want to be obsessed with anyone, being obsessed with myself is more than enough.

As I stormed in the room, everyone turned back to see.

One thing that would probably motivate me during the marriage is the way Gregoria always stares at me. Even if I throw all my bad thoughts about her straight to her face. She'd wipe them away so that she would see my eyes and somehow fetch some tiny specks that show my love for her. She seems like she wants this. It would be amazing for her to lend me some enthusiasm too, so that she wouldn't be too alone.

That's how it was when I barged in, too. She glanced at me and my appearance like she saw our future through me, and she smiled like she thought there would be more than a divorce hidden in it.

Even in a rather pretty wedding dress, she looked fat and totally unlovable for me. She held a bouquet of bloody-red roses in her hands, some of their petals fell on the ground like my remaining patience.

By the time I got there, the vows began. I barely wanted to promise all kinds of things I was certain I'd break the next day, maybe even the same day at the wedding party. It was just not my style.

-To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, to obey until death do us part -she said, with a tone sweet as honey. So sweet it was too much for me. I needed some bitterness to actually keep her.

The hopeful smile on her face made a wide grin hit mine. It felt right that she doesn't know what's waiting for her, her face said that she didn't care, as long as she got to touch me. Unfortunately, I would never give her the pleasure to do so.

Wedding party. The most fun part of the day, the part where being drunk would bail me out of all kinds of situations with my now-wife.

Lord Maximilian was the first one to talk to me. Who else?

-Congratulations, young man -he said. -I won't take long and I'll let you enjoy your party. But I have something to mention to you.

He looked over at the guests, turning me towards them.