Missing Things - FIRST DRAFT

loss

warning: this part has a mention of suicide. it's not long. blink and you miss it. but just be warned that it's there.

Carl's stomach was in knots by the time lunch came. He wanted to get things over with.

"Hey, so I was thinking of going to that sushi place that opened around the corner," Mike said as they walked out of the building. "It's nice and quiet. Is that OK with you?"

"Yeah, sure," Carl said. "But maybe we can skip lunch and you can tell me what's going on right now."

"It's nothing bad," Mike said.

"You keep saying that but the way you're acting isn't making me feel confident that it's anything good."

Mike smiled. "It could be good. I don't know. All I know is that I don't feel comfortable talking about it too close to the office."

***

"So what's all this about?" Carl asked Mike after they had ordered. "What isn't bad but needs to be told to me outside the office?"

Mike sighed. "I need to tell you something about one of your coworkers."

"OK?" Carl said. "Are they saying something about me that I need to know about?"

"No. They are..."

Mike cleared his throat and looked around. "Before I go any further, I need to know something from you."

"OK," Carl said.

"If I told you I was bisexual, would that make any difference to how you see me?"

Carl was surprised by the question. Not only had he not expected Mike to be bi, but he hadn't expected Mike to think he would be biased against him for being bi.

"No," Carl said. "No. Why? Why would you think this?"

"I just needed to be sure because someone in the company came out to me and they said that they were coming out to me because of you. You made them realize they were gay."

"Me?" Carl exclaimed, surprised. "How did I make someone realize they were gay? I have never talked to anyone about sexuality or gender ever in the eight years I've been with the company! This is literally the first time I've talked to anyone about sexuality! I didn't even bite when Mitch made that comment about Cheryl and her wife at that holiday party in 2018!"

"I didn't mean that you had some kind of talk with them! I meant that..." Mike sighed again. He looked more uncomfortable than Carl had ever seen him look. "I can't believe I'm doing this." He rubbed his eyes. "They fell for you and that's how they figured it out."

"They fell for me? Me?"

"Yes. They fell for you."

Carl laughed. "Who in this office would fall for me of all people?"

He kept laughing until he made his own realization.

"Oh my god. Brad."

"Yeah," Mike said. "I told him you were straight and that he should give up on this idea that you might reciprocate his feelings, but he insisted that I talk to you about it. I'll clear it all up with him and tell him you're definitely straight."

Carl rubbed his forehead. "Shit."

"Yeah, sorry. Just try to forget I said anything. If you never in on Wednesdays it won't have to be awkward. I'm just hoping you'll be cool about this and won't be an asshole."

"You don't have to worry about that. I won't be an asshole." Carl's head was spinning. "I'm not straight."

"You're not straight?" Mike repeated.

"No. I'm pan."

"Oh."

"Yeah. And I did reciprocate his feelings. I think I still do. But I don't know. It's been a while since we talked."

Their food came, but Carl couldn't eat. He tried to make sense of what he was feeling. He had really liked Brad. He thought about Brad almost every day. But he had let go. He had convinced himself that there was no hope and moved on.

A sense of unfairness came over him and overwhelmed him. The barriers that had been placed between him and Brad were artificial. They were designed to keep people from finding community. From finding friends. From finding each other.

"I wish I had known sooner," he said.

"Yeah, I know. Brad only told me after we all had lunch. He misses you but doesn't know how to talk to you. He's wanted to text you, but he's been terrified that you'll reject him. But I told him that life was too short not to talk to you. I told him that he didn't want to live with regret. I live with regret." Mike sighed and looked around. "One of my friends committed suicide over lockdown."

"Shit," Carl said. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Mike said. "He was a close friend, and I had had feelings for him. It was a long time ago, before I met Elizabeth. But I thought he would never reciprocate the feelings, so I never told him. I lived my whole life being friends with him, but I always felt like there was this hole inside me where he should be. It was tough. Loving someone in silence is hard. I always thought I'd tell him eventually. But now I never will. And the worst part about it is that I found out that he had feelings for me. But I found out too late."

Mike's eyes were tearing up and Carl handed him a napkin.

Mike wiped his eyes. "Suicide notes are the worst," he said with a sad laugh. "The only reason I agreed to do this for Brad was because I didn't want him to live with the same regret that I did. I didn't want him to feel that hole in his heart. I don't want either of you living with a sense of missed opportunity. Life's short and regret is forever."