𝑘𝑖𝑠𝑠 𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑐𝑒 | 𝑤𝑜𝑜𝑠𝑎𝑛

☪︎ - 40

╳°»｡ ∾･⁙･ ღ ➵ ⁘ ➵ ღ ･⁙･∾ ｡«°╳

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🖤🌑☂️☾✧☽☂️🌑🖤

- 𝔽𝕆𝕌ℝ𝕋𝕐 -

𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖

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san felt his face warm up, felt his stomach tighten when yunho dragged mingi onto his lap after the five had finished talking about whatever. yunho said a few short words to mingi, whispering in his ear, and then moved to nip and kiss at his neck.

jongho and yeosang seemed completely oblivious to the two, or at least didn't care to acknowledge them- instead fighting over whether blonde or black hair would look better on san. though the aforementioned couldn't focus on the debate, eyes flicking back and forth from the couple, the wall, and the floor.

are they always this open about what they do?

he wondered if it was normal to be so unapologetically public about your relationship, if being in love (or feeling any sort of connection whether romantic or platonic) came with never being embarrassed or ashamed of your feelings or the things you did with that person.

he had always remembered his father hiding him behind his side while they walked, telling him to keep his head down and made him grow out his hair when he was younger- said he looked like a girl either way. he made him wear baggy clothes, to hide the fact that he wasn't being fed all too much (due to his fathers lack of care to feed him AND their lack of money to afford it both), and often scolded him when he spoke out of turn.

what he vaguely remembered about his mothers and fathers relationship when he was a little little boy was shattered, a broken frame of a family that could've been perfect. he was told his father and mother were a picture perfect love, ruined by sans presence and his sisters inability to suffice for their fathers liking.

he had never known what a proper relationship should be like until he met hongjoong. his relationship with his father was filled with pain and abuse, his relationship with his mother filled with distrust and suffering, and his relationship with his sister was blinded by their need to keep each other safe.

it's all he's ever known.

he didn't grow with love, he didn't grow to see a proper example of romance and passion- happiness was rare in his childhood- so seeing yunho and mingi like this, it fascinated him, it made him feel a bit jealous even.

is that how easy it is for others?

he wanted that dearly with someone, when he saw the way hoseok looked at hyungwon, with such devotion and amazement in his eyes, he had declared that he wanted hoseok to look at him that way too- but he cared for hyungwon too much to do that. he saw the way changkyun and kihyun held one another, and he saw jooheons look of longing- how familiar it had felt, that's why him and jooheon had gotten along so quickly, they both longed for love. he took note of how hyunwoo smiled at minhyuk, and wished one day someone would smile at him that way, with that much admiration.

of course, he had hongjoong, the only true love he's ever known, ever received- but that at the end of the day was platonic; san had yet to experience romance.

san huffed, under his breath, and shifted closer to jongho, a bit farther from the couple next to him. it wasn't that they made him uncomfortable, but the more he looked the more he wished he could have had that. he latched onto jonghos arm, curling into his side with a pout- unnoticing to how yeosang tensed at the sight,

"what's it like to fall in love?" he asked, anyone- and yeosang chuckled, eyes casting towards jongho for a brief moment before going back to san.

"it fucking sucks." the older deadpanned, shocking the young one.

"yeosang!" jongho scoffed, rolling his eyes at the brown haired, he turned to san, "it doesn't suck. it's a nice feeling, gives you a reason to smile."

san hummed, and thought for a moment,

"how do you know it's love then, rather than a crush- or an excuse?"

by now, the two older boys had looked at san with intent, suddenly it became clear to them just how much san had likely missed out on, and how important their answer would be-

"i think it's different for everyone, it could be little things that add up, or like one big thing that makes you realize." yeosang said softly, san watched the way he looked at jongho, and the youngest pulled off of him, nodding. "to me, love's what makes you go stupid, you'd do things you wouldn't do for anyone else. makes your tummy all warm and your mind clouded with them. i guess for me i can tell by the way i feel around them, the inward stuff." jongho said, after some more thought.

"san do you think you're in love?" yeosang asked, at first joking, but when san stayed silent- eyes locked on the shut door, staring and waiting for it to open once more- they got the answer they needed.

they looked at one another, and then back at san, who's eyes still lingered on the doorway, and then back at each other.

san smiled weakly, "i-i'm, i'm not sure."

he wasn't sure, but they knew.

he was longing to see wooyoung.

╳°»｡ ∾･⁙･ ღ ➵ ⁘ ➵ ღ ･⁙･∾ ｡«°╳

hi so where do i start

this week was filled w a lot A LOT of internal humiliation and like hate

also i went to my first meeting for my kpop dance group!!! we came up w our group and fandom name and the first song we're covering and im v v v v v v v excited! i had so much fun meeting the other members theyre are all so sweet :(

also the girl from my japanese club >>>>

im THIS close to giving her a big fat kiss on the forehead SHES SO CUTE IM CHRING DYING ENDING IT ALL SHES SHES AHHHHHH she said to tell her whenever my dance group is gonna film a cover or do a competition so she can come and support me AND AND she saw me today and said i looked rlly pretty w my new hair (i dyed it like a blue blue like REAL blue)

AND AND AND she's gonna try and find me cus she's sad we don't have any pictures together cus she wants some to post for my birthday AND AND AND the day of my meeting for the dance group she helped me pick an outfit and im so UGH SHES SO CUTE FUCK

k that's all sorry bye

~ lix ~

╳°»｡ ∾･⁙･ ღ ➵ ⁘ ➵ ღ ･⁙･∾ ｡«°╳