Being Blinded

Chapter One

FEBRUARY: SENIOR YEAR

You know what I don't mind? Those fretful nights sleeps that come in blinks that span thirty minutes to an hour, because at least despite the irritation there has been some sleep. Instead, my eyes ache and time crawls by at a snail's pace, every time my fingers tap against my phone screen, I am reminded of how little time has passed in the darkness.

Normally, and over the years this has become a routine, by three-am I would give up on any attempts at sleeping and rolled over to bury my thoughts in the mindless chatter of social media. Instead of settling into this familiar routine, where my mind is racing too fast and sex not managing to soothe it into silence, I get to listen to silence, heavy breathing and the rattling of breath as it echoes in Jeremy's lungs.

He hates when I am on my phone during the night, not even with earphones that block the noise from him will he let me be. Too intent on gluing himself against my back and sliding his fingers across my bare skin to keep me pressed against this chest, I thought I would love that stuff.

The reminder that I am wanted through the night, even in sleep that a person could want to pull me close, but I have known for a few weeks now that I can't create that feeling with him. Admitting to another failure, when we keep falling deeper into each other's lives isn't a defeat I am ready to admit to quite yet.

In the beginning I thought I had finally done it, that everyone was wrong in saying it wouldn't come if I was looking because I had found someone. Convinced Jeremy's infatuation with me and the easy way our bodies melded together, meant that I had finally done it.

Succeeded in moving on, proved to myself and my friends that Alfie was a thing of the past and that any hurt feelings I had, was all too do with our dwindling friendship and not about the crush. I won't delude myself into believing that I did a good job of convincing them, but I know that everything not hurting as much anymore has reflected onto them.

There would be this glaze of worry that would sheen over their eyes when they'd look at me, I had thought that those looks were well hidden but all its taught me is that Cassie would have seen all our pity over the last year.

I could have just pulled myself out of Jeremy's bed and voyaged into my own before we fell asleep last night, my limbs didn't ache with exhaustion the way I had hoped. There was no verbal plea from Jeremy, he just sunk back into the mattress with his arms around me and I let him.

Let him fall asleep around me even though I knew that I didn't want to be soaked in his presence again tonight. At the start it was fun, lively and every time we came together it felt like I was appreciated, my body was addicting, and he wanted to draw my pleasure from it.

I guess I forgot again that sometimes when people get comfortable, the don't try as hard anymore and the winding orgasms that never reach their peak anymore, is the side effect of getting to know Jeremy better. So is the snoring that echoes in my ear, the assumption that I'll always stay to make sure he sleeps well even though I won't and the way his words say he cares but my body says he doesn't.

In the grand scheme of things, I don't think that I can truly place the blame on Jeremy, not when I am the one who knows things between us aren't working. I should be pulling away before labels and commitments become entangled, not letting myself sink into the under-appreciated just because I hate failing.

Cassie has done well at embracing being single, but everyone else around me has their person. I can tell myself a million times that I won't seek out anyone from a friends with benefits situation but that always leads to, do we have feelings for each other?

I think all its taught me is that I'm a relationship person, and one that is so awful at not looking for love that I continue to find duds. All while pretending the universe isn't re-affirming that age old saying.