Being Blinded

Chapter Nineteen

Life continues spinning, but the last two days have been cased in that unimaginable exhaustion that I thought I was finally rid of. Those blissful few weeks where falling asleep wasn't scary, the world wasn't going to cave in while I did, things weren't normal, but they were better.

And you know what sucks about feeling like your body is giving up on you? It's the guilt of knowing that there is no one to blame for the feeling but yourself.

Phoebe might be conflicted but she's stronger than a twenty-year-old should have to be, all my friends are swarmed with stress, but they can all see the light that comes with out futures. I shouldn't feel like a failure, there's no rule that says I need to have everything laid out in utmost certainty and yet it's that very feeling that's drove me into this exhaustion.

The future is everything, it's my life and maybe not everyone feels the pressure of getting it right on the first try but it's all that fills my brain now. Of making the right decision, the one that will make me happier than I am right now, finding the love for a job I have studied for and not building a life around a man.

Even if said man makes the world somehow brighter than it was before, building something with him is like a dream come true. The idea of it means more than some degree has ever given me, and yet it feels like a betrayal to follow my heart that way.

It's the one of the only reason that I took the interview at one of New York's most prestigious health and wellness institutes, considering the possibility of leaving Alfie and Phoebe behind to find something new. It's as alluring as it is gut wrenching.

And yet even with the same offer in Phoenix, the answer doesn't feel any either. Maybe being honest with the two people it would effect would lessen my load, but how do I let them weigh in on the decision when the bulk of it stems from not knowing if I want the job at all.

"Rosie?" The sound of Alfie's voice loud in my quiet bedroom makes me jump, my fingers halt over my laptop keys and eyes flicker up at him instantly.

There's a devastation in the way he looks at me, but it's the way his shoulders remain bunched around his ears that helps me realise it isn't something happening with him. I've been on his case for weeks about us growing together, and not keeping secrets and yet I know I haven't been inconspicuous about my own.

"Hey" I smile even as my heart pounds loudly in my chest, this light I have adored for years that I find in his eyes seems dimmer than it has in months. "Everything okay?"

They way my door clicks closed behind him is louder than any no he could have told me, "I've been doing my best to tell you what I'm feeling, even when I want to run away from it, and we know it isn't just for you but... you aren't sleeping and somethings going on"

"I'm just stressed" It's an excuse I have perfected over the years, it's less of a lie and more of a half-truth and yet it rolls of my tongue without a second blink. "Sleep comes and go with me, you know that"

"It doesn't feel the same" And if I didn't know I was an asshole before than the way his voice lowers, the deeper register I hear every day is swallowed by anxious softness. "Did you just want me around for a good night sleep for a little while? Nothing permanent but at least you were nice and rested before you left"

Panic spins down my fingertips, the pain that radiates from the centre of my chest crawls down my veins and spikes against my nerves. "Before I leave? What are you talking about, I haven't gone anywhere. We're all stressed but that doesn't mean I will just disappear"

"And New York?"

It's my fault, I should have seen it all coming, I should have been honest the second I decided it was a serious consideration, he's never been anything but honest about where life is going for him.