Being Blinded

Chapter Five

I had known for weeks, probably months, even years if I am being realistic that Alfie didn't have feelings for me. Despite the fact that everyone was convinced it seemed he did, I knew deep down that he didn't even when I managed to give myself some hope.

It wasn't because I thought he didn't care for me, I've known he wasn't letting us in the way he let him, for longer than I've told anyone else. It's an easy fact to forget when it feels like someone is playing tug-a-war with your feelings, and in the months that have stretched between that last realisation and the differences now.

I think I know a lot more, not just about Alfie as he attempts to open up to me but about myself as well. The person I was when I found out Alfie was seeing someone and then when I found out about Madeline feels like someone separate to now.

In all fairness I'm a crier, I don't know why, and I acknowledge that sometimes it gives out the wrong impression but no matter how hard I try. Tears just come pouring out, even at the slightest inconvenience and yeah, I've gotten good at sucking the emotion back down, but it doesn't erase the fact.

When it all came out during Junior year it felt like I'd been betrayed by him in this massive grand way, remembering the way my heart ached for days after still makes my chest hurt. I don't really reconcile myself with that version anymore, she seems... younger in a way, less of who I am now.

Alfie was the one thing I clung too when everything with Phoebe and my parents happened, he was there for me in ways I didn't let anyone else be. Knowing what I do now, I realise that a lot of my reactions came from losing that support and forcing myself to deal with those situations without him as a backup.

Our friendship and that dedication feels like it was years ago, and every step we take now is done on fresh ground as new people. I don't think I could wipe the slate clean, too much has passed between us, and I hurt myself too much to allow myself to forget it all.

But it still feels different and new despite the heavy pressure of anxiety that constantly whispers in my ear that I'm being foolish again.

I don't push to sit up out of my cocoon of warmth as three steady knocks rap against my bedroom door, with the click of my door pushing open following quickly after. The empty ring of two missed calls from my parents still echo in the recesses of my mind, with my pillows pilled around me and my toes hitting the cold plaster of my walls as I lay diagonally across my bed.

The quiet soothes and aches all of the things spinning around in my head, dragging the hours on past me in slow ticks that make my eyes ache further with tiredness but sleep never claims me. The prospect of napping felt within reach, but short fingers never manage to grasp at the revitalising edges.

Hazel eyes survey the clean expanse of my room, something I had finally gotten around to in the early hours of this morning when Jeremy's touch and my parent's latest email had swirled devastation around my body. A frown pulls at the corners of Claudia's lips, the dark fabric of her tight dress hugs at all the curves of her body.

"I was going to ask if you wanted to come out with Hugo and I tonight, but I think it may need to be less of a question and more of a demand" She sighs, clicking her way across my room and pulling open my closet doors without waiting for an answer.

Getting drunk- drinking at all really, makes my stomach turn and walking into a house that is bound to be cluttered with people and too loud to hear anyone's words, couldn't sound any less appealing. They heavy ache in my bones from exhaustion pulls me deeper into the comfort of my own bed, surrounded by pillows and familiarity with the patterns of my snow globe dancing across darkened walls.

The brightness of my overhead light destroys the solace I have created, "You and Hugo should go, I'd only bring down the mood and besides, I am not really feeling it tonight"