Being Blinded

Chapter Eleven

"Are you sure you're going to be safe?" I whisper, just because talking in a library isn't forbidden and there isn't anyone around me. Doesn't mean I want to risk someone shooting me a glaring look, "I'm all for making memories but camping in the middle of the woods?"

"It's not the middle of the woods" Phoebe scoffs, and I envision her deep ocean eyes rolling. "And there's more people than just Toni and I going, who are all far more experienced at camping than either of us are"

I swallow down the bubble of nervousness that swells in the pit of my stomach, so much of life at the moment is up in the air and the endless lack of sleep doesn't help my rationalisation either. "It's not that Pheeb's, I know you would be safe"

"What's wrong?" Worry peaks in her voice and the wrenching feeling that I need to be truthful about what I did with our parents seems to pull up my throat like shards of glass.

"I don't want to ruin your excitement" I murmur, palm pressed against my forehead. The scatters of books and half-written notes around me that are sliding across the dark keys of my laptop don't lessen the suffocating feeling that has followed me around the last three days. "It feels like you're finally living your life and getting happier again"

"I am" She confirms, a stab to my heart that is my own fault. "But you stuck with me when I wasn't happy so why wouldn't I do the same? I can only assume it's about the parents because you always get fidgety when it is"

The truth comes barrelling out of me before I can even take a centring breath, "I cut them off" My fingers press against my temples to ward off the throbbing headache. "I know you told me not too and that it wasn't worth us both losing a parents, but I just couldn't do it anymore. It felt like a betrayal every time I spoke to them, and I hated that they were in my life after shutting you out"

For a brief second I wonder if she is going to hang up on me, "Rosie" Phoebe sighs and I can hear the devastation in her voice, "You didn't have to hide this from me, I wouldn't have told you to call them and take it all back. I just hate the idea that we have both lost them"

"I didn't do it because I thought that losing me might make them see reason but I can't lie and say it didn't cross my mind or that I would be unhappy if it made them regret their choices" I confess, "I never wanted you to think that I did it with that intention, or to make you feel that you had to forgive them. I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind but even if they did start trying, I'd never expect you to give them a chance"

"Oh Rosie" Sadness bleeds through her sigh, pain that I can feel in the depths of my chest. "It might not be what I wanted to happen, but I would never be mad at a decision you make on your own. I can't lie and say that it doesn't make me wonder if losing us both will change their mind, a fact that makes me sad, but I don't know what I would do. You didn't need to keep this from me, however awful it was in your head, it isn't to me, I promise"

Despite the heaviness of the topic her sincerity never wavers, the silliness of how built up it became in my head settles as an additional heavy weight on my shoulders.

"I'm sorry" I croak, swallowing the increasingly overwhelming wave of emotions that trembles like pins and needles through my skin. "You were so excited for your camping trip, and I dumped this on you"

"How many times do I have to say that you can have bad days too? The amount of shit you have dealt with, with me over the last two years entitles you to some shitty days" Phoebe chastises, and I can hear the soft murmur of other voice somewhere in her distance. "Whatever happens with them in the future we will deal with together, please try and stop worrying about what we can't control"