Being Blinded

Chapter Four

I should have said no, should have stuck to my guns and display some of that bravery that Phoebe displayed to me just the other day. Instead, I have found myself in another uncomfortable situation, that I can blame anyone for but myself.

Before now, here with Jeremy once again, with his hand braced against my bare thigh in the middle of a movie theatre, I thought that the movies were a safe outing. In my head it was a good way to stay away from that creeping loneliness while not having to actually talk with Jeremy.

All of the girls would chastise me if they knew exactly what I was doing but the more I feel like I am using him, the more I know somewhere deep in my chest that he's doing the same. Though I can't imagine why he's wanting to keep me around, it's not to fulfill an emotional need and I couldn't imagine the sex is enough either.

At least it isn't for me, and yet here I sit. With Jeremy's hand slid against my thigh and the desperate need I have to quiet the flurry of noise that has filled my brain to the brim since talking to Alfie.

There's this heavy weight of disbelief that continues to pound against my ribs, I gave up on having hope for him months ago and the murmured confession in the dining room has ignited it all again. Not just that he might want to mend our friendship but that things might be different.

It shouldn't make a difference in the end; I should be strong enough to understand how people will give a little to reel you in only to go back to the way they were before.

It's the little glance that he's given me into his soul, the shattered and slightly cracked part that makes him run and hide. I knew his Mum had died; it was one of the small things he shared with me but knowing he lost a brother he never met too. It makes so many parts of him clearer, which makes my anger rise slightly.

It's so easy to get to know and understand someone if they just share themselves with you.

It makes me want to spend time with him and see what else he is willing to share, while also prompting me to run in the other direction. I want it to be too little too late, but more than that I want him back.

These little glimpses of him that he keeps giving me, they mean more than they should, and I want to erase this giddy and anxious feeling that has clogged veins. Believing in him is one thing, but searching him out is another.

The frantic clangs, the bang of guns firing and shouts of the battle waging on doesn't hold my interest, the need for everything to quiet down for me wins out. Desperate to have a restful night's sleep, my fingers close around the edge of Jeremy's cold wrist.

It's not a palpable, swarming desire that makes my head spin and a burning, consuming desire travelling through my body that leaves my skin hot and body throbbing. I haven't found that same passion since Carter. It's nothing on screen, and it's not the attraction of sitting beside Jeremy right now but I want it anyway.

Weeks of sometimes orgasms have given my vibrators a workout, before losing my virginity I thought they were a suitable replacement for the touch of another person. The fact that my mind still spins and my stomach clenches at Claudia's kiss says all I need to know, here I am though, again pushing away the inevitable end to our relationship for some companionship.

Half-assed companionship because I said I had no interest in seeing this movie and yet, when I got here, there he was standing with two tickets and a bright smile on his face. Half-listening means that, someone is always unhappy and if there's one thing I'm learning, it's that Jeremy doesn't care for mutual happiness, but he'd fake it if it helps in whatever long game is playing.

The second my thighs part slightly, even the smallest shift that lets his grip fall deeper between my thighs and the mostly private seats we have at the back. The way he notices my fingers curled around his wrist, dark eyes shoot in my direction and his grip on my skin tightens.