Being Blinded

Chapter Eighteen

"You know who the meanest person is I have ever met is?" Alfie grumbles, dropping his bag down at the foot of the sofa before crawling across it to drop his head in my lap and forcing me to set my laptop to the side. "And it isn't a trick question"

It's always going to be a trick question even if he insists it isn't, sometimes I think he forgets that for all the progress he has made in opening up. There's a lot of things he forgets to share, in his head they're unimportant and shameful so he keeps them locked down.

Just because I have the key in many ways, doesn't mean it wouldn't kill him to have me rip open the vault doors and tear through it all. It's the offering that takes time, requires more time than I think I have on hand, but he doesn't prod about my after-graduation plans and so I don't either.

It's the unspoken wall between us, maybe it's stupid, he knows where his life is going to be and I know it too, pretending I haven't been fielding overs from all over the country is foolish. I've kept it all close to my chest anyway.

After all this time wanting him, now that I have him, I don't know what to do, it feels like every path means losing him and how am I supposed to know which one is right. When I don't even know what I need, all of these big adult questions that I feel insanely underprepared for.

Alfie's found his heart in something he always knew he loved and instead of following my heart, I followed what I knew I was good at. Even after all this time, I can't quite figure out if I enjoy it or if it's still just a case of what comes naturally.

"Anyone who abandons their pet in bad conditions?" It's the safe guess, he might have said there is only one right answer but this one will always be correct too.

My hand soothes long strokes across his scalp, twisting through the smooth strands of his hair and fluttering his eyes closed further with every moment. Alfie's eyes narrow up at them, amusement gleams there but I know I have won him over.

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing" He smirks, letting his eyes fall closed. "Distracting me with my weaknesses- but no, today I am talking about Marge"

"Marge?" I repeat, the name feels familiar as it rolls from my tongue. "The same Marge that Claudia sees?"

"The very same" He nods, and for once I am glad his eyes are closed because I can't help the way my mouth drops open in shock.

I had no idea he was seeing her, not a clue when he may have started and all the while he was keeping his promise of sorting through his head. It's a weird thing to not know about your boyfriend, right? Far better than learning he was cheating or planning to leave me, but a strange feeling regardless.

"I never told you, did I?" His voice reminds me that I never responded, staring blankly at the coffee table beyond his face and absorbing the new avalanche of information. I hate the way a chill floods my body as he sits up, swivelling around and pulling me in close. "Fuck"

"Don't beat yourself up about it" Is the first thing I think to say, shuffling closer as he hauls my legs over his lap and pulls me in closer. Cocooning is in the corner of the sofa, "But no, will you tell me about it?"

"God, I am a fucking idiot sometimes" He murmurs to himself, but presses a kiss to my temple before continuing anyway. "Claudia kept telling me what a big thing it was to be talking to someone about what's been going on, and somehow, I forget to tell the person who means the most to me? She'll definitely roast me further when I tell her"

"Marge knows about me?" I ask, curling our fingers together.

"This shouldn't be shocking but I talk about you constantly, you're the centre of my universe" Alfie shrugs, letting his eyes rest on our clasped hands instead of my own. "It was when I started trying to repair our friendship after Madeline, I doubt Claudia told you, but she was on my case from the very start about being better. Sure, I knew I had to be and that you ignoring me was gonna be for a good reason, but I just couldn't get out of my own head about it"