Divide By Two (Revamp)

Chapter 13: Hand me my Shovel

I've been trying to find a job for so long. I've been to countless interviews. I never got a single call back. I didn't have any of the requirements for anything around. I had to start pulling out of my savings. Why would nobody hire me??

I thought I would be perfectly fine after what happened with Four. My life had been in danger several times before, and it only had small effects.. But I guess something about this time was different. I was no survivor, I just happened to survive. I felt guilty for some reason, like it was my fault. I mean, it technically was, but I've caused plenty of things that I've never felt guilty about. Why was this time so different????

I began suspecting X. Not that he would hurt me or anything, just that he thought I was annoying. I needed constant reassurance that he liked me, I began to feel like I sounded just like Four. I hated that. I could see that X hated it too, even behind that caring smile. I think we both missed Four, just a little...

I missed my friend. Well- he always said he was not my friend every time I called him that.. But it was nice to pretend. I would lay there on the couch, pretending that things were all normal. I would make up stories where Four liked me too. I blamed myself; he wouldn't have hated me to begin with if I didn't take his show, or show up in his house, or cause him to snap. This was not my life, I never deserve anything I took.

I tried to make myself feel better, forcing myself to go outside, even just to sit in the yard, but I always found myself gripping the grass and pulling up daisies. Was I angry at something? I don't want to break these things.

I would find a way to fix myself one way or another.

My mental health plummeted after Four went to jail. I had Two, but they were becoming a handful. I always did my best to be understanding, I know they've been through a lot, but they began to sound more and more like him with those "are you mad at me?"s and "Are you sure?"s every day. They were doing their best to find a job and get out on their own again, and I was happy for that. But I could see they needed help.

I saw that they thought about Four almost all the time. They were almost delusional thinking Four would ever redeem himself and like them. I knew how Four was. He almost never changed, and when he did, it was a slow, hard process. Two would get out from time to time, probably off with Gaty, and I would get so scared every time I saw they weren't there. I shouldn't be this worried, Two is a grown adult and I am not their mom. I am not anybody's mom, stop trying to be.

Four was pretty much the only person I talked to besides Two before all of this, so it was really lonely now, especially when Two was out. I missed him so much, but I know if I got him back, it wouldn't be healthy for anybody. Maybe I'm selfish wanting him back after he'd hurt my best friend..