The First Summer of Forever

Chapter 15- Band aide

Jeremiah

I put my hands in my pockets as I walked to my jeep. "I'm going to the surf shop" I had told them after Belly and Conrad left.  "Need more wax for my board." But the reality is I just needed to get outta there. I needed to be alone, so no one could see me hurting. I don't want everyone feeling pity over me. 'Poor Jeremiah, I wonder how he's taking all of this'. The truth? The truth is, it sucks. To have to walk away from the girl you thought you were going to spend your life with, and know that she's spending it with your brother. It's like a fucking lifetime movie. It's been wild. I felt like I was stuck in a love triangle for a few years, and if it was a triangle, it was the freaking Bermuda Triangle. It's taken a few years, but the pain has gotten easier with time. Still, sometimes seeing Belly and Con together is like ripping off a band-aid from a cut that is finally starting to heal. The feeling will go away, but at first it hurts like a bitch. I wanted to talk to both of them so that maybe I could be on my way to forgiving and forgetting all of this. It seems pretty damn near impossible though. Fake it till you make it, right? My mom used to say that. She'd say that it helps you speak it into existence. It didn't feel that way though. But, maybe , just maybe after all has been said and done, we can finally be on our way to being us, like the old us again. I just had to-have to work on putting Belly out of my mind. The reality is, she's not mine, and she never really was. Her heart always belonged to Conrad. She loved him since we were kids, and apparently, he loved her too. So I was the fool for thinking I belonged with her. I never should have even stepped in the picture. That still doesn't change the fact that it hurts like hell to see the girl you thought was meant for you literally sail off into the sunset with your freaking brother. My eyes were wet, and tears that had been welling were now leaking out of my eyelids. God, I wish mom were here. She'd know the right thing to say. She always did. I know we had Laurel to talk to, but she wasn't mom. Laurel was a realist. My mom lived in this world between fantasy and real life, where she always had the right words to lift you up.

"My dearest Jeremiah, my sunshine boy. The one with the brightest smile in the room, and also the warmest heart. Today, on your college graduation day, I want to tell you how much I love you. I am so proud of you, my baby boy. No matter what you've set your mind to, you've always been able to accomplish it with a little bit of elbow grease. I know this was no different. No matter what path you choose, I know that with a little hard work and determination, you will excel, always. Life might not be how you imagined it at times. You'll get your heart broken, you'll experience disappointment, betrayal, and cold hearts, but my sweet boy, I want you to know - never give up. Don't let the bad days turn you bitter. Brighter days are always ahead. And I know, no matter what life throws at you, you will come out on top. So, my darling, don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. Live life to the fullest, my baby boy. And Remember: For whatever we lose(like a you or a me), it's always ourselves we find in the sea.

All my love my darling angel, 

-Mom"

My mom's letter to me flashed in my mind, and I remembered the words she had written. My mom was always such a thoughtful, sentimental person, and I'm glad she was, because now these letters, and her photo albums are all I have left of her. The only concrete thing I have to hold on to. Her words are always what have grounded me when I was spinning out of control on the inside. And they seemed to be still guiding us, all of us. Her letters, so thoughtfully written ahead of time, have helped us all more than she could ever know. For whatever we lose(like a you or a me), it's always ourselves we find in the sea. The poem she used to read to all of us kids. She read it so much to us, that we could all practically recite it by heart. I let the words resonate in my mind for a moment. Then I pulled into the nearest parking lot to turn around, and drove back to the beach house.