Back To You // T.K

Pearl/Tom

Pearl

I stared at the computer where Jessie's face was smiling at me.
I was looking at her, but I couldn't really see her, - what I was focusing on was my own face on the little square on the right.
I didn't even attempt to smile or seem calm, because I wasn't.
I kept on looking down at my hoodie, which was stained of blood, and I kept on wondering what I was doing with myself.
What was it that I was so desperately trying to achieve? Love? Compassion? Pity?
Why did I always felt the need to hate myself that much, just to get a little bit of love?
It didn't make sense, and nor did my actions, but I always understood that too late, when I already hurt myself and everyone around me in the process.

'You seem tired', her robotic voice said, - she was done trying to hide whatever she was thinking, which was whatever everyone else was thinking.
I had lost myself once again, and I didn't know what I could possibly do to pick myself up.
I had already tried everything, good and bad, - therapy, drugs, boxing, burying myself in work or studying or whatever could make things easier for me, - but nothing ever worked.
I hated being the victim and acting like one, but I couldn't see a way out of it, if not Jessie and Tom.
I decided to try one last time, one last attempt at finding something that could've made my life worthy, after that what I would've done with myself wasn't going to be any of my concern again.

'I am', I replied, and waited for her to save me.

Earlier that day

I thought I couldn't sleep anymore, but the two hours nap I had just woken up from didn't agree with me.
I was still wearing only my underwear, but my skin finally stopped burning from the stupid shit I had put myself through in the shower.

Tom did make me feel better, and I was excited to talk to Jessie for once, but that hole in my chest didn't go away nonetheless.

I stretched my arms and slowly got out of bed, dressing with the first things I saw, - a grey hoodie and black leggings.
The house was quiet, expect for Tom and Bill's voices coming from downstairs.

I decided to go see whatever they were doing, in an attempt to clear my mind and try to distract myself, - it physically hurt to keep on thinking about what had happened.

Once I made my way downstairs, I saw them laughing at something they were watching on TV.
Their shoulders were facing me, but I was able to clearly see the smiles on their faces.
I wished it made me feel better, but it didn't, - it made me feel sad because I couldn't share that happiness with them, and guilty at the same time because I couldn't appreciate that happiness.
My head was a complete mess, and every minute that went by I slowly forgot what it felt like to feel positive things.

I quietly walked behind them and to the kitchen, hoping that they didn't see me.
Tom, however, did, as he walked up to me and wrapped his arms around my stomach.

'Are you feeling better?', he asked, kissing the top of my head and rubbing his hands on the fabric of the hoodie.

'Yeah', I lied as I tried to sound as calm as possible.
Telling the truth wouldn't have helped me or him either way, there was no point in trying anymore.

'Do you want something to eat?', he said, 'I could make you a sandwich.'

'No need', I replied, as I turned around and wrapped my hands around his neck.
'Go back to Bill, I'll be fine.'

He considered his options, as he studied my face in search of any sings that I wanted him to stay, but he eventually nodded and left the room.
Deep down I knew he knew I wasn't going to be fine, but I just guessed he finally gave up and came to terms with the fact that he couldn't do anything about it, not until I refused to let him in.