Illusion of my dreams

Analepsis

I slammed the door shut before rushing down the stairs, nearly stumbling over my own feet. I felt like a failed lab experiment as flashbacks entered my already twisted mind. Erika's cut up wrists and Dia's lifeless body flickered infront of my dazed eyes as I arrived in the empty kitchen. Everything was a blur to me. Tom didn't came home, Gustav and Georg were nowhere to be seen and it was only me. I was alone. I made my way towards the counter  and collapsed onto one of the tall chairs that was placed besides it.

" fuck me."

I groaned as my head throbbed with pain.

Guilt kept flooding trough my mind and I couldn't stop it. No matter how hard I tried to feel nonchalant and carefree, the power of love kept overwinning that.

Love came with guilt.

Being reckless wasn't in for me anymore, Erika took my ability to murder without guilt, to watch people suffer with sadistic thoughts, to feel nothing. She made me feel more than I used to feel which confused me to the core. She just lit something up inside of me.

As if she released the hidden emotions that I had been carrying with me the whole time.

Before I met her I could easily murder girls without any type of guilt and I could watch people kill themselves with sadism. Now I couldn't. I sighed with disappointment as I cupped my face. I closed my eyes trying to forget what I saw. The shame that showed in her eyes and how she was trembling with fear made shivers run down my spine. I had no idea when she hurt herself and why. My thoughts got interrupted by the sound of a large door slamming shut. I instantly turned my head to see who had entered the mansion only to meet eyes with Tom.

" well hello."

He grinned at me.

I clenched my jaw with anger as I saw his face. His lips were pursed into a smirk as his dull eyes trailed around the room.

" get to sleep you idiot."

He chuckled before walking out of the kitchen.

It was 4:00 in the morning but my insomnia kept me awake. I couldn't stop thinking about Erika. The pain I felt when I saw her arms. I couldn't describe it. Tom had gone up the stairs but I heard another pair of shoes echoeing trough the hallway. By the sound of the old sneakers I could easily tell it was Gustav. He sauntered into the kitchen, his head low with exhaustion.

" hey."

He murmured as he joined me at the counter.

I didn't reply.

" where are the girls?"

He asked.

" you brought them home right?"

I nodded.

" they're both upstairs."

I answered.

" where are Calina and Margot?"

I asked as I turned to face Gustav who had already poured in a drink for himself.

" probably with Georg."

He replied after he took a sip.

" and where's Georg?"

I asked with my brow raised.

Gustav simply shrugged his shoulders before placing the empty glass into the sink.

" I'm gonna go to sleep."

He mumbled as he rubbed his eyes.

I watched how Gustav left the room and disappeared into the dimmed hallway. I was alone again. Alone with my racing thoughts. I had no clue how to carry on with this feeling. The feeling of needing to be with her all the time. The feeling of needing her validation for every single thing I did. I needed her. I had hurt her a lot of times before but I changed. She changed me.