thoughts of me and you

71. kids/pregrancy

so...
as a lot of you know... i don't like kids

yes, some are cute and yes they would be so sweet to raise
but there are multiple reasons why i don't want kids or to get pregnant

you might be like "ok... why are you bringing this up now?"
because i just had a fucking mental breakdown about it
my boyfriend wants kids
i don't
i laugh when they fall, he doesn't and he told me it makes him kind of sad that i react that way
see the problem?
i was (still am) fucking panicking, thinking that bc of this, our relationship won't work, i'm not what he's looking for
we have two very different opinions on whether or not we want kids

i know some of you might say "fuck him" or "it's your body and your choice, if he doesn't respect that then break up with him"
but it's my first relationship
he had had three before, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt for him
i don't know how i would ever survive a break up between us, i barely even survived one between me and a best friend i had

i'm so scared that me being stupid and scared is going to ruin the one thing that can bring me infinite joy
i love him
i'd give my lungs up for him

i'm scared that if i do have kids, i'm going to dump all of the expectations i had for myself on them and they would hate me
i'm scared of being a bad mother
if i don't have kids, then i wouldn't be a mother, it eliminated the problem
i don't want my kid to go to school and be relieved that they don't have to see me for a few hours

i'm scared about my body changing during pregnancy
i can barely even handle my body changing now, and it scares me
the sickness that comes with it scares me
the pain scares me
the mood swings
i'm genuinely so terrified, i don't even have the words

my boyfriend decided to talk to me about the fact that he wants kids and i don't
every time i look back at the texts, i break down into tears
i feel sick in my stomach
and i've almost never been this scared before

i feel like a terrible person

another thing
i joked around with my friends yesterday and one of them was like (jokingly) "i don't know how you pulled *boyfriend name*"
and honestly, i wonder the same thing every day
every time i look in the mirror
i see something so unworthy, it makes me wonder how i even deserve to be loved

i feel so unstable
i feel so scared
i feel so in love
i feel like a disappointment
i feel like i don't belong on this earth
i feel like my place is somewhere alone

i don't know how i got in a relationship
i don't regret it
i finally have someone who i can give all my love to
but i feel unworthy whenever i really take a good long pause and think

i'm a terrible person
i talk about people behind their backs
i swear 
i overthink normal conversations
i'm petty
i think that everyone has to accommodate around me
i laugh when kids fall
i hurt people's feelings

i don't know why i have friends, i don't know how
i just think they would be way better off without me