thoughts of me and you

74. tw: i'm not doing okay

don't read this if your mental health has depleted like mine, unless you hate yourself like i do
i'm just warning that some things i say might be triggering or insensitive

you have been warned that from this point forward, i have no filter

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if smo had a gun to my head right now, i don't think i would move
i'd cry for sure, but it wouldn't try to actively stop them, i wouldn't beg for mercy
i need someone to murder me because i'm too much of a fucking wimp to do it myself

i don't know how much more i can genuinely fuck it all up
i'm turn conversation too serious
i'm too invasive
i'm not jealous, but maybe i should be
i don't know what to do, it's easier for me to disappear

is it easier for everyone else?

no

but i'm hopeless
and i suck and i truly don't know how to take things anymore

i'm too sensitive for emotional pain
i just want the physical pain, i don't care if it's quick, i don't care if i'm torturing myself

i think the world is better off if i'm not here
and i'm not sure why i'm telling you guys, but i have no one else to tell without them sending me to my therapist

i think about life and i go through all the possible scenarios
they all end in death
so what's the fucking point of doing all this if it's going to be the same ending no matter what?

i don't want to hurt other people when i die
but i feel like i'm hurting myself when i drag myself through these difficult conversations and long days that end with me writing to you guys, sobbing my fucking eyes out because i have nothing better to do 

i don't even know what i did to switch my mood

i was having a hp movie marathon and then suddenly i'm sobbing at midnight on my bed while i try to take others into consideration and shove down my own feelings because that's what i've taught myself to do because i don't think i'm worthy of being heard

some nights i wish i could drop dead
and i say it
i don't do it, even though i wish i could
i just wish and pray that i'd die, yet i take no action

i wish life was easier, less painful, or at least make me more numb
i'm at the stage where the painkiller is rubbing off, i hate it

and i swear to god if i get a notification from wattpad saying that someone reported me "out of the kindness of their heart bc they're worried for me" i might actually disappear off the face of the earth

what the fuck you think reporting me is going to do
i read the message "oh, a community member is worried for me, i'm going to be happy from now on"
fuck off
if you are genuinely worried, i gave you my snap
and thank you automated response, so helpful, people totally don't report bc it's easier than actually checking up on the person who is fucked up in their brain

we'll see if i quit wattpad
i don't think it's a good place for me
probably bc the world isn't a good place for me, other than six feet deep because a worthless person like me shouldn't be allowed to walk to earth

but who are you to care
so i'll go now

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and i'm sorry if what i said was insensitive
i'm sorry that my true thoughts and feelings bothered you
i'll do better