thoughts of me and you

59. my journey ‼️⚠️🚨

‼️⚠️🚨WARNING: 🚨⚠️‼️

this is an extremely sensitive topic to many people so please please please take care of yourself and do yourself a favour, don't read this is heavy and dark mental health topics (s3lfh@rm, e@t!ng d!s0rder, su!c!dal thoughts/mentions, depression, anxiety)

the next chapter i'm posting will be ways that i have to help cope and you can try to see if they help you if needed.

my mental health has never been the best (i don't think anybody's has) and i think my journey started when i moved across the world when i was six. where i used to live was very nice and i had friends, family, a good education system but then i had to move for family reasons. moving at a young age could be beneficial but i was also at the age where i knew things and i didn't want to leave them so it was extremely hard moving to a place where i also barely even knew the language. to top it all off, i had to leave my family and i felt really isolated.

every year in school, i never had a secure friend group and i always felt left out. i had cried a lot but as i grew older i taught myself to try and not let it bother me. i became emotionally unavailable and this is now causing me to have an extremely difficult time trying to tell people how i feel or even explain what i'm feeling inside. i also don't raise my opinion on some/most things because i was so used to everything i say just to be tossed to the side so i thought anything i said was unimportant.

i was forced to try a lot of things when i was younger, whether it was a sport, a school academic event, or little organisations to "empower girls" for example. It took me a long time to find something that i loved doing, but eventually, i found my love for dance - specifically ballet. it let me have some sort of outlet for my emotions that wasn't just words, i could dance away my feelings and i felt safe. i thought i did.

when i was forced to move studio locations due to conflicted scheduling, it was the best thing that ever happened. back at the old studio, i thought i loved dance, but at the new studio, it was so much more powerful. i had true friends and so much more fun.

but when i had to go back to the old studio, i realized how toxic and bitchy the girls were. they were your stereotypical primadonas that you see in moves. the snobby ballet bitches. my love for dance had never been extinguished that quickly before but i started to regret going to classes just to be faced with them. they made me feel unworthy of being able to dance and really self-conscious of my own body.

so i quit. and it was amazing. i felt free. my friend -who was still in the class- was facetiming me one day, and she told me all the things that the girls had said once i left. "i don't like her because she's different" / "i don't like her because her mom yelled at me" my mother did not yell at the girl, and for context, i came into the car crying because of the girl. they had their reasons, and i'm aware that not everybody is going to like me, i don't want everybody to like me, but they were such shitty reasons. they had no right to treat me like i was some kind of peasant to them.

during the pandemic, things were alright. i got a break from a lot of toxic people and since i was used to the loneliness, i wasn't too impacted. the time i had on my hands during quarantine did help me find my love for books and reading which helped me escape the reality of this world and jump into a whole new one. it gave me a break from all the greyness i had encountered. 

but then, it calmed down a bit, and i had to go to school, my first day of high school. i had no friends, no idea where anything was, i was a lost 13 year old child in an overcrowded school. i did eventually find my people, and i'm still friends with a few of them. one of them (we will call her nay) i was super close with and had so much fun together -or so i thought. after a year of being completely inseparable, nay left without a word. no text, no call, no explanation. she ghosted me. i had never been more confused and hurt in my whole life and the uncertainty really brought down my mental health. i became closed off and didn't let anybody in because i was scared that if i did, the same thing would keep happening.

i somehow managed to get through the next year, scrapping by every day without nay. next year, after a break from school for 11 weeks, i got back to school. the curricular definitely was harder but i got through the first term smoothly. i had signed up for the volleyball team though since my sister was coaching and i also wanted to find my love for volleyball again. but who else was on the team? nay. it wasn't as fun as it could've been but i knew there would be times where i had to deal with situations like this, or with her in it. i was relieved when the school season was over and signed up for club. but she was on the team again. we didn't interact much would probably wasn't good for the team. but then one day, she didn't show up for practice, or the next, or the next, or the game. she disappeared, she quit for some reason but still had to pay the tournament fees (unimportant). during the practices and games, i noticed i felt a lot more relaxed, i could be me and do things without feeling like she was judging my every move.

things at school were still a bit difficult, she was in one of my most interactive classes; theatre. i had other friends in that class, but nay was friends with my friends too, but refused to spark up conversations with me even if i was talking to my friends already and just cut in, she pretended that i wasn't there.

i missed the friendship we had. i didn't miss her. if this was how she would treat people, i didn't want to be part of it.

her presence made it difficult for me to put my full effort and focus into the things i loved and my mental health had plummeted again. the first night i h@rmed myself was one of the nights i regret the most. i felt extremely guilty thinking about, i felt guilty doing it, i felt guilty hiding it from everybody the next day. but i didn't want the questions and tears as to why i would do such a thing. i was at such a low that there was nothing else i could resort to. nobody would understand why i did it because i didn't even understand. i never had a good way with words and explaining things, so i hid. but that was all i needed, i did it again, and again whenever i hated myself. the last time i did it was the worst one yet, the scars are more prominent than they ever have been.

ever since the first time i did it, i hated looking in the mirror. i hated looking at myself because i thought i was a disgrace to everything and everyone. i began eating less and less because i thought that if i could just look like the girls on tv, or in the books, on the cover of a magazine, i would be a bit more accepted at school. i skipped breakfast, i ate tiny lunches, and the only real meal i had was dinner. there was no way i could get out of eating dinner, i was practically being forced to eat dinner. time went on and i wasn't eating lunch anymore, i cut out any snacks and sundays became the days when i didn't eat anything except for a few bites of dinner. it had gotten to a point whenever i had something like a craving for chocolate or wanting to bake cookies. i'd eat it and feel like an animal.

there were little comments that may seem harmless that really affected me. i thought about everything too much and became aware of everything i was doing. it never got to a point where i was v* the food back up because that would send me to panic attacks. i knew i couldn't v* so i resorted to eating less, eating nothing.

i was dealing with s3lfh@rm, a new e@t!ng d!s0rder, depression, and anxiety. it was so much to deal with that i was thinking what the point was of living. what would happen once i graduate, would life be any different, would any of this ever go away? every morning, i never wanted to get up or wake up, and i laid in bed, thinking about how useless everything felt.

for some reason, i don't know if my mental health was noticeable or not, but my mother signed me up for therapy. it helps sometimes, but i can't help but feel bad for going. i get send the receipts for how much one 50 minute session costs and it's almost stopping me for doing, nobody should spend that amount of money to help me. i think i passed the point where there's no turning back, i don't think there's something anyone can do to make it all go away. so i haven't been going. i don't want the guilt for payment.

today, my mental health sucks. i look high because i cried in the morning, i cried last night. i feel like shit. my anxiety is high because i have a driving test. i joke about jumping off the roof, but something i just want to do it, see what happens, see who cares, see everybody just move on with life.

i'm sorry this chapter is so depressing
please please please talk to me
i know i'm dealing with my own fucked up shit, but that doesn't mean i can't help you through yours
i'm ALWAYS here for you and i will always love you
i can talk, give advice, or i can just listen

please please please please please stay safe <3

i love you so so so so so so so so so much
MWAH
kisses and croissants 💋🥐