Shrek 2 (OC Insert)

Friar's Fat Boy

Up one floor from Fiona's room, King Harold stands at a balcony. He has been listening the whole time.

King Harold: "I knew this would happen."

Queen Lillian speaks from inside the room.

Queen Lillian: "You should. You started it."

King Harold walks back inside the bedroom. Queen Lillian is sitting in bed with a book in hand.

King Harold: "I can hardly believe that, Lillian. I mean really, he's the ogre. Not me."

Queen Lillian: "I think, Harold, you're taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona's choice."

King Harold: "Yes, but she was supposed to choose the prince we picked out for her! I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this... this... thing?"

Queen Lillian: "Fiona does. And she'll never forgive you if you don't. I don't want to lose our daughter again, Harold."

King Harold sighs as she continues.

Queen Lillian: "Ugh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don't you remember when we were young? And oh, we used to walk down by the lily pond and they were in bloom..."

King Harold: "*starting to reminisce* Our first kiss... *snapping out of it* it's not the same! I don't think you realize that our daughter has married a monster!"

Queen Lillian: "Oh, stop being such a drama king."

King Harold: "Fine! Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong! *dances around* La, di, da, di, da, di da! Isn't it all wonderful! I'd like to know how it could get any worse!"

From behind him, Fairy Godmother's carriage floats up to the balcony and Fairy Godmother opens the door.

Fairy Godmother: "Hello, Harold."

King Harold yelps.

Queen Lillian: "What happened?"

King Harold: "Uh, nothing! Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! *chuckles* I'll... just stretch it out here for a while!"

He walks out to the balcony and shuts the doors behind him.

Fairy Godmother: "You better get in. We need to talk."

King Harold: "Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. *yawns* Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, um how about..."

A large man steps behind King Harold.

King Harold: "...uh, we, we make this a quick visit. What? What?"

The man shoves him inside the carriage and enters after him. King Harold sits between the man and another similar looking man to his other side.

King Harold: "Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha!"

The carriage flies off.

King Harold: "So, what's new?"

Fairy Godmother sits across from King Harold, and next to her sits a man with brown hair that is slicked back.

Fairy Godmother: "You remember one of my sons, Reginald Charming?"

King Harold: "Charming! Oh! Is that you? My gosh! It's been years! How- where... where, where, where is your brother nowadays?"

Reginald: "*calmly* Oh, he came back from his mission, about 5 minutes ago, actually... *angrily* after Prince endured blistering winds! Scorching desert! He climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower-"

Reginald, who is now standing up from his seat, sits back down by Fairy Godmother and shushed him.

Fairy Godmother: "Mummy can handle this.. *continuing her son's rant* He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower!"

King Harold: "But, but, but..."

Fairy Godmother: "And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess-"

King Harold: "If I could just-"

Fairy Godmother: "-is already married!"

King Harold: "I mean, It wasn't my fault. He didn't get there in time."

Fairy Godmother: "Stop the car!"

The carriage comes to a sudden stop.

Fairy Godmother: "Harold..."

The men crack their knuckles.

Fairy Godmother: "You force me to do something I really don't want to do."

Fairy Godmother rolls down the window.

King Harold: "*gasps* Where are we?"

The carriage is stopped at a drive-thru window.

Pricilla: "Well, hi, there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy, may I take your order?"

Fairy Godmother: "My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. *turns to the clerk* Er... okay. Two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili ring..."

Reginald: "I'll have the Medieval Meal."

Fairy Godmother: "Yeah, one Medieval Meal and Harold... curly fries?"

King Harold: "No, thank you."

Fairy Godmother: "Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?"

King Harold: "No, really, I'm fine."

Pricilla: "Your order, Fairy Godmother."

The clerk hands her their order in a bad, and then a large battle-axe.

Pricilla: "And this comes with the Medieval Meal."

Fairy Godmother: "There you are, dear."

Fairy Godmother hands Reginald the axe before the carriage takes off.

Fairy Godmother: "You see we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part."

King Harold: "*sighs* Indeed not."

Fairy Godmother: "So Fiona and Prince Charming will be together."

King Harold: "Yes."

Fairy Godmother: "Oh, believe me, Harold. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter..."

Fairy Godmother bites into her burrito and talks with her mouth full.

Fairy Godmother: "...but for your Kingdom."

They arrive back at the balcony of the master bedroom and King Harold is pushed out.

King Harold: "What am I supposed to do about it?"

The battle axe is tossed into King Harold's hands.

Reginald: "Use your imagination and figure that out yourself."

Reginald shuts the door and the carriage flies off. King Harold stands unsure, still clutching the axe, staring at the moon.