Peace In The Noise

Demons

A/N: There's mentions of some dark topics in this chapter and I'll mark the start with a ** and the end with a ** so you can avoid if you have to! (Although it's vital to the story, there'll be less triggering mentions throughout so it's not missing a whole bunch-)

Marko's reaction to all of this was killing me. I wanted him to be angry, I expected him to dump me, so why didn't he? I looked at him asleep next to me and I wanted to die. He was so perfect and I was ruining him. Our relationship was unhealthy now, but we couldn't get enough of each other. I knew I had to settle myself down, I had to stop going around thinking I could do anything I wanted because I couldn't. This whole week, I had stayed in and I blocked Erik on everything. Marko didn't expect me to, but I did it anyways because I couldn't face him. I also knew I needed help with my issues, and Marko helped me realise this so we had already started going to couples counselling which had honestly already started to work, we had been a lot more honest with each other and things were almost smooth sailing, I say almost because I started to become paranoid and I only let myself talk to Marko so that I couldn't hurt him? It doesn't make a lot of sense but hopefully you get the jist.

Marko was due back in Croatia tomorrow, and we both agreed I should go with him. I was nervous, but I didn't wanna be left alone here without him after this week and Marko didn't want me here alone, and who can blame him? Last time he left, I ended up kissing another guy. We were due to get up in an hour, so I just got up anyways. I decided I might as well check my bags and stuff before it was too late. It's a good job actually because I realised I was missing a days worth of clothes, so I quietly went through my clothes but clearly not quietly enough because from behind me I heard, "Ev? You okay?" I turned around and nodded. He got up and stretched before walking over to me. "You're lying." He said as he wrapped his arms around me. I sighed, this was the prime opportunity to get everything off of my chest.

"Marko, why didn't you break up with me last week?" I questioned and we sat down on the bed and he sighed. "Honestly, I nearly did." My heart broke, but this was my fault anyways. "But, when I looked at you I realised I didn't wanna have to start again with someone else, I wanted to fix it with you, which is what we're doing right? I mean, yeah okay you betrayed my trust and kissed someone else but at the end of the day Ev, people do worse everyday and they can be forgiven. I wanted to see the good in you, which I know is in there because I've seen it." He took a pause and pulled me into a hug. "Besides, if people can forgive those who sleep with others why am I not allowed to forgive you for a less than two second bet kiss?" I sighed. I didn't see it like that at all. "I guess" I replied and he kissed my head. I didn't deserve him, he was too good for me and I hated myself for that. "No, you know." I shook my head. "No Marko, why are you just so accepting of this situation?" He shrugged. "I've been treated worse before and you're showing you've changed?" He paused again and I pulled away from him. "Why can't you just accept that I forgive you Ev?" I shrugged, I just couldn't accept it. "Because if you did it, I wouldn't forgive you." Marko shrugged at me. "I told you, I like to see the good in people." I ran my hand through my hair and shook my head.

{Backstory time:}

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**

My past was one that I try not to talk about too much, there was only me who knew as I refused to tell anyone else, even Marko didn't know and I told him pretty much everything. His name was Oscar Larsson and he might as well have been the devil. From 2015 til 2022, he ruined me in more ways than one and it still haunts me til this day. It may not seem a lot, but I was left feeling unloveable and I began to crave attention and validation simply because Oscar would constantly tell me that nobody loved me and only he wanted me, so when I did something and someone else approved I would genuinely feel a high I never have before and I'm ashamed to say that this carried on into my relationship with Marko and I knew this was a mistake. Because of Oscar, I found it hard to say no to people for a fear of them not liking me, I suppose this is what lead me to kiss Erik and agree to the bet? Does it justify it? No of course it doesn't but it is a genuine reason that contributes.

Oscar also wouldn't listen to me when I said no to things, he'd either lash out or do it anyways and I suppose this made me scared to say no due to fear it would happen anyways and I suppose this also contributed, and again whilst it didn't justify it's a reason. Maybe I should've told Marko. I definitely should've told Marko, but saying something like 'Oh yeah by the way my ex abused me so now I can't say no to people' Isn't exactly the best opener to a conversation. Would he even understand? Of course he would, but that didn't mean I was scared to open up about my past to him. I mean, who would want to date a mentally ill girl who can't say no? That's a recipe for disaster lets be real.  But then, if I didn't tell Marko then I'd be setting us up for more failure and that was a thought I couldn't deal with. Even though he'd already seen my mutliple scars, he didn't mention it but they weren't hard to miss, I was so scared to tell him about why I did it. I can only imagine what it feels like knowing the person they love was abused, and Marko was already protective over me, I didn't know how he'd react and that genuinely scared me.

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"Marko, I need to tell you something." He turned to me, looking slightly worried. "Go on?" He replied and I took a deep breath and began to play with the hair tie that was on my wrist. "I need you to know, I'm not trying to justify what I did Marko-'' I paused and moved away from him slightly so I could look at him better. "But I think you should know and I should've told you this earlier." I said, and I rolled up my sleeve just enough to see what he needed to. He shot me a sympathetic look and sighed. "I know darling, I didn't want to ask about them." I shrugged, he could've if he wanted. "Well, I'll tell you about them." I replied and he pulled me close and I told him everything that Oscar had done until the day I left, and surprisingly Marko understood everything. I didn't expect him to, but he did. He didn't say anything though, he just held me close. He did shed a few tears though, but I didn't mind. I explained to him how I seek out validation in situations I shouldn't after that, this time he did talk. "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why didn't you tell anybody that? So much could've been avoided." I sighed and started playing with my hair tie again. "I was scared, it makes me seem so weak and makes me seem like a bad person." Marko sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "With all due respect Ev, you kissing someone else with no prior reason makes you seem more of a bad person than if you had explained everything beforehand." He was right, as always. "I'm still a bit pissed Ev but, I think I understand it now, it can't have been easy going through all that on your own. I'm sorry" I shook my head. "What are you sorry for?" He sighed. "I hate that you've gone through that, it makes my blood boil that someone treated you like that." He replied and he put a hand on my thigh in an attempt to reassure me.

**

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A/N: Hey guys, I wanted to apologise for the last few chapters, I know they haven't been amazing and they've been very frustrating but I (hope at least) everything will start to make sense after this chapter, this book was not meant to be drama free and I also wrote the character of Eva around myself and my experiences, (although i've never kissed someone else whilst in a relationship-) because I wanted to show the aftermath of some of the experiences i've personally went through and the consequences that they can have on a person's life, relationships included.

I thought it was important to say this purely because I know Eva is coming across as the worlds biggest dick, and she's supposed to at this point but another point of this book is showing how people can change for the one they love and I promise I have a happy ending in mind for Eva and Marko, I just need some patience :)

Thank you for reading and hopefully making it this far, this is my first book in a while and it's taking some time getting back into writing but I hope it's worth it!