Drifting in the Space of Ramblings

Ramblings About Loneliness

Drifting in infinite space makes you think about how alone we are, but the truth is I'm as alone now as I've ever been in my entire life.

Loneliness is the worst feeling there is. If you feel hatred, resentment, anger, sadness, despair, and mix it all together, it doesn't even come close to what it feels like to be alone. Throughout my existence, I've met several people who liked me a lot, but I haven't met anyone who was happy living with me. That's sad. Alone.

Happiness only exists when you have people to share it with, who celebrate your success with you, who encourage you to keep going, who hug you in moments of failure and who sigh in your ear "you matter".

Here in space, I have none of that, but on Earth those moments were so few and so fleeting. Those who were really by my side I couldn't see, and those I thought were, weren't. My heart turned as cold as ice and as hard as stone.

Was it my fault?

Was the fear of getting hurt in every relationship, whether familial or romantic, helping to build the wall that isolated me from all the human beings down there now?

I don't have time anymore, to fix my life, to break down the wall. To say how much loneliness destroys me, corrodes me, ruins my guts.

I would like a hug now.

I would like to feel my skin touching another.

I don't have time.

How many people down there feel like me here? How many times have I thought about putting a gun in my mouth and ending it all?

Loneliness.

Alone.

People around who know nothing, who add nothing, who notice nothing, who don't care. So many of them. Touching you, giving you advice, pretending.

I wonder if it's the same on the other side too. Will I meet someone who will really make me feel part of something or will things be the same?

Paradise must be a place where we feel good, so this feeling should dissipate, but it's been here inside for so long, how is that possible? Will it just evaporate like water in a pan on the stove?

At times like these, I stop believing in the other side. I start to think that this is how it is, we walk towards nonexistence in complete loneliness. Who will remember us? Who will be at our funeral and cry for our departure? I wish I could know. Look at people's faces feeling my absence and finally realize that I wasn't alone.