Drifting in the Space of Ramblings

Ramblings About Depression

I spent my entire life depressed, which is a huge waste of time. Now that I know I'm going to die, I can't feel the fear of life that I felt for so long. I think that's what depression is, a fear of living. More and more people have it. In the past, they were afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying, but it's not the fear you think it will be when the time comes.

Depression is something that fills you with such a great emptiness that you can't do anything anymore. You have to work, but you spend hours playing Minesweeper on the computer, and when you realize that you've spent half your day on a stupid game, the emptiness increases. It's like a domino effect; you stop doing things because you feel empty, and the emptiness increases because you stop doing things.

Thirty-one years, ten months, and eight days.

That was my brother's age when he died.

Thirty-one years, ten months, and eight days.

That was my age on one Day of the Dead.

Bizarre facts of life.

Feeling like crying over anything. You feel like a little girl. You watch a movie with Chuck Norris and cry like an idiot because you invent a super profound and existential cliché message. A message that not even the screenwriter saw when he wrote the movie.

I keep wondering if any of my nephews will remember the exact day of my death and know what they were doing at the age I died.

I don't think so; only I pay attention to such specific details. Maybe the fact that I pay attention to such specific details has to do with my temperament and consequently leads me to a constant stage of depression that has haunted me for so long.

Nowadays, it's become fashionable to be depressed, to take medication, to see psychologists and psychiatrists, to be diagnosed as bipolar and mix everything with vodka. Maybe I wasn't that depressed in life; maybe it was just an external image I wanted to project to people so they would see that I had feelings.

When I arrived at the space station, I remember looking out and contemplating the universe. The first thought that came to my mind was a comparison between the feeling of loneliness that haunted me and the immense emptiness that took over everything out there.

Was there any correlation between the two?

Even now, drifting in nothingness and paying attention to my ramblings, I can't quite understand the correlation between loneliness and emptiness. They seem to be the same thing, but they're not. The correlation exists; it's there, but I can't understand it.

The emptiness is what bothered me the most. It's strange to die here in space where everything is empty, except me.