Drifting in the Space of Ramblings

Ramblings About Indecisions

Besides wanting to be an astronaut, I never knew what I wanted from life. Sometimes I wanted to be rich, well-dressed, and go out with stunning women like in a 007 movie, and sometimes I wanted to have a simple life, away from everything, alone like in an old Western movie.

From the women I lived with, I was certain I would be unhappy for the rest of my life when I was with them, but I was also sure that I would be the happiest man in the world when they left. My heart never beat to the right rhythm because of the indecision that was part of me. If I had stopped thinking about infinite possibilities and committed to a single destiny, my life might not have been as confusing and turbulent as it was. When one talked about marriage, I freaked out; when another talked about having children, I fled; and when yet another talked about abandoning everything to stay with me, I pushed her as far away as possible.

Even here in space, this feeling of indecision haunts me like a starving cat gnawing on a dead rat for three days. I don't know if I feel despair knowing that my death is imminent because life seemed to hold so many secrets yet to be conquered, or if I feel tranquility because I am freed from a world I wasn't sure I liked that much.

Cruel and selfish people only think about themselves, doing everything to climb up in life without caring about whom they are stepping on. A world that self-destructs more and more every second, where people, to live well-dressed and go out with stunning women like in a 007 movie, need to spread hunger and misery across all continents of the globe.

Then I remember the good people I met, caring people who had a unique appreciation for humanity in general. My grandmother always tried to help anyone she could, no matter who it was. When someone begged for money at a traffic light, people would say, "Don't give him money; he'll buy drugs for sure!" So what? What if he wants to buy drugs? No one knows his story, what he has lived through, what he has seen, or how his existence is full of suffering and misery. I learned from people like my grandmother that you shouldn't judge others. Everyone has their story full of indecisions, and everyone lives life the best way they can.

I didn't get it right all the time; on the contrary, my life was more full of mistakes than successes. I think the lives of a few people must have more successes. Just because I got it right on a certain path doesn't mean I should judge those who didn't do the same, who got lost or are lost among the thousands of choices between point A and point B.

The problem is when your indecision is so strong that it doesn't let you make choices, and you get stuck in that moment, inert, as if in suspended animation. I've been like that, not making decisions and stagnant for more than a year. It's necessary to take a step forward even if it's to fall off a cliff; you need to understand that standing still, you never get anywhere.

It's possible to live an entire life stagnant, where nothing happens. Then, when you least expect it, death knocks at your door, collecting debts for a life that never existed.