Drifting in the Space of Ramblings

Ramblings About Aging

There are people who want to grow old, and there are people who prefer to die young. I always belonged to the latter group.

Aging has always been my greatest fear.

My grandmother is still alive, over ninety, and has been bedridden for almost ten years. Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. She is fed through a tube inserted into her nose. Pick's and Huntington's. She was the most independent person I knew and would never have wanted to live like this. Lewy's and Wernicke's.

I've always seen my great-aunts and uncles die close to a hundred years old, all spending years bedridden. I decided I wouldn't die like that; I'd put a gun to my head and blow it up if diagnosed with any of these diseases. I met Hemingway years after making this decision, and everything was settled. It would be theatrical, epic, and definitive.

People tried to convince me that being old is cool. You become more experienced, gain a different perspective on the world, witness changes happening right before your eyes, and blah blah blah.

If the world has changed in the last century, I really don't believe it's for the better.

People have become rude, dumber, and more superficial. Why get old to see that crap? No thanks!

Though now I don't really have a choice.

If I have to die today not to end up old like my grandmother... Fine!

The only curiosity is to know what my face would look like at around eighty. Where would I have more wrinkles? Would I lose all my hair? Would I wear dentures or still have some teeth left? Would my body be all flabby, or would I still manage to keep some semblance of dignity?

I think of the people aging down there who care about me; they will suffer a lot because they won't have a body to bury. I remember when a dog I loved very much ran away, and I never knew for sure if it was alive or dead. It's been anguish living with that doubt to this day.

The saddest part of life is that we get used to living without the people we love.

People come into our lives, stay for a while, and leave sooner or later. Sometimes they follow different paths or simply die. All of them. Without exception.

"I'm not going to grow old!"

In a way, it's a relief to say this out loud. I think of all the things I will miss from now on, but I also think of all the things I will be spared from now on. Weighing it all, it's hard to know which outweighs the other.

They said I was very depressed for saying that the worst part of life is that living is tiring. I was tired of waking up every day, tired of thinking the same things, doing the same things, and when I did something different, everything tired me as well.

Great, now I'm thinking about myself in the past. As if I were already dead.